There is this odd feeling within me about being an immigrant. I don't feel as I belong to either of the countries that I have the privileged in experiencing (the Philippines and Australia).
It's clear with the features and skin colour I have that I am not Australian; although hearing me speak and the slangs I use you'd think I was born here. The funny thing is some people who I've known for the entire time I've lived here, they don't know I'm born in another country. From the top of my head, I have at least 5 experiences where someone has assumed I was born here and when I correct them, they have this wide-eyed shock expression splattered all over their face.
It's not like they are to blame for a misunderstanding that reflects what is going on in my inner world. Growing up, I've carried this internalisation of shame and rejection about my own culture. It's one aspect of myself that I’ve learnt to deny and ignore over the years.
I’ve experienced racisms and microaggression growing up; the thing is it's this unconscious behaviours and beliefs that we have about a particular culture. The stereotypes that films and TV shows portray a certain culture, which creates this idea of it being a reality, when in fact it's far from it. It creates a huge impact on our society and how we view other cultures. When we carry and project out stereotypes and prejudices towards others it creates shame and rejection, whether we are aware of it or not.
Being an immigrant, whether it was the tiniest comment a person made, even if they didn't mean harm, it still had that stain of shame that is underlying racist. As time went on these incidents would happen frequently to the point that instead of feeling embarrassed, I'd laugh it off. It became a habit to absorb rather than calling it out for what it truly was; which is racism.
Even my name was something I didn't embrace. Throughout school, it was mispronounced and I never corrected them. It wasn't because I was lazy, it was the sheer fact of shame I held about my name. Everyone else's name was so easy to pronounce, and mine was the odd one out. That was something I rejected about myself. Any teenager wants to fit in and they don't want to be the odd bird out. So we do what we got to do to fit in.
Although as I move forward to becoming an adult and stepping into the path of self-love, I realised that the shame and rejection I held about myself was something that put me out of an alignment of who I truly was. I didn't embrace being the odd bird out and my uniqueness, which got me to play small and blend in with the crowd.
I laugh and grief for those times I lost being someone who I wasn't, those experiences taught me that being someone else or wearing a mask does not last long. They eventually fall off and then we are required to put on a different mask, which puts us in this cycle of facades and illusions until we burnout and makes a conscious decision that we no longer have the desire to wear a mask.
This lifestyle was so detriment to my mental health and self-esteem. It's what internalisation of shame and rejection does; especially if we hold this towards our culture and aspects of ourselves that we had zero control over choosing. Being born in another country isn't something to be ashamed of.
Shame and rejection are poison and the ingredients for regrets. Living a life that isn't aligned with who we are is the by-product of shame and rejection. When we reject and shame aspects of our authentic self we are separating our self from that particular thing, in this context our own culture. When we reject our own culture, we reject a huge chunk of our identity.
Our culture is something that we don't have to hold dearly, although creating shame and rejection round that, is also denying aspects of our self that have created and made us who we are today. It's not all rainbows and sunshine although; all of our experiences have contributed to who we are today, which includes our culture. – It's never easy, having to adapt to a new country although having to let our self grieve for the life we had and being grateful for the new beginning we have embarked in, is key. Having both of those simultaneously happen within us is normal.
It's okay to feel that odd feeling of not knowing where we belong or which culture we resonate with the most and it is also okay, to sit between two cultures. We aren't obligated to pick just one if we have had the privilege to live in more than one country. Having that experience is a blessing and not everyone gets that experience or chance too.
As we continue to become familiar with our own culture and find our bearing on where we belong and who we are; which (mind you) is constantly changing and evolving as we grow and age.
It is okay and normal for immigrants to embrace and sit with that odd feeling of not knowing which culture we resonate with the most.
Don't feel guilty for not knowing or having the conclusions just yet, for now, we can indulge in both of them at ones freely.
Be Kinder, Less Critical