Hear Us Out Because Nobody Asked

*** Be mindful reading this piece the topic is about sexual violence.
Hotlines can found at the end of the post for extra support.

---

Hearing and seeing all the injustice coming forth in the mainstream media can be triggering old wounds that we might not have acknowledged in the past. We believed that we were ‘over it’ because it isn’t replaying in our minds anymore. 

Taken by Merichel Sanchez at the March For Justice in Melbourne (March 2021)

The illusions coming out to the light on what has been happening under the roof of the Parliament House is because women are standing in their power. I don’t know if many people know how much strength and courage it takes to stand up and speak up about sexual violence. It’s not a split-second decision we make as survivours. 

Before speaking up we go into a process of contemplating. We contemplate whether it’s the right thing to do or if anyone will believe us? Questioning our worth, value and our credibility; going back into the questioning whether people will believe us or not? 

It doesn’t matter how long ago the experience has occurred for us, it doesn’t change the fact we deserve justice and healing of it. We deserve to no longer carry the internalized shame and burden because of it. The weight of carrying something that we didn’t ask for nor do we deserve. This weight is not ours to carry in the first place. - 

I’ve been contemplating on which angle I should go with this piece. I kept going back and forth with the healing aspect of it and the system we live in. Two possible way of going about it, although it didn’t sit right with me. 

I want to highlight and give light to how hard it is to stand up and speak up. Putting our hands up and saying ‘hey, that happened to me too’, is scary and all these thoughts of being judged or shame pops up. Where we create assumptions and predictions on how others will react to us if we openly say ‘I was sexually assaulted/abused. - 

Healing this part of our past can be challenging and uncomfortable, it’s not easy to face something we have been running away from all these years. It’s difficult for survivors to speak up, especially if it occurred years ago. One thought that comes up is ‘shouldn’t (we) be over it by now? It happened so long ago.” - This is just one example of how we internalised shame as survivors.

I can openly say I am a survivor of sexual abuse. That my past hasn’t been all love and light. - I didn’t experience a traditional upbringing where I was able to explore my body or sexuality during my adolescence, or through the phases of ‘innocent flirting’ when dating my first boyfriend. - I had a distorted view of what love, sex and romantic relationships looked like. 

The person I am today isn’t because of what happened in my past, it’s because I overcame it. I went on the path of healing and faced what I was running away from all these years. I know it’s not easy or comfortable to face this aspect of our past, as survivors.

I can sincerely say that I've had my battles with going forth with life and I was put in a position to give up my future. Those aspects of my experiences (corny as it might sound) create this knowing that if I can get through that shit and still see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can get through anything. 

This type of mentality is what we receive when we don’t make our abuse the key focus of how strong we are. Because that didn’t make us strong, it broke us. What makes us strong is constantly getting up and pushing through our day even though it’s easier to give up and fall victim to our past. 

I’m not perfect, I’ve fallen victim to my past before going on the path of healing. I was receptive to escaping through anything I could use. Whether it was drugs, people, activities, I was more open to escaping rather than facing my demons and shadows.

That’s why I know it’s not easy to face this part of our self. It comes with its challenges and hurdles, to face such impactful experiences; an experience we didn’t ask for nor deserve. 

That’s the thing though, NOBODY ASKED. 

Taken by Merichel Sanchez at the March For Justice in Melbourne (March 2021)

Nobody asked us for consent, we didn’t ask to be violated, we didn’t ask for this horrendous act to be played on us. NOBODY asked and that’s the issue. Consent can not be found in any sexual violence, because nobody asked. - 

When we have survivours coming forth and sharing their stories. A story they’ve held onto, a story that’s created internalised shame and self-hatred, we shut the fuck up and listen. It’s uncommon for people to make this shit up. 

So when we have people around us being open and vulnerable about their own experiences, be mindful of how hard it is to say it out loud in front of a group of people, let alone the entire fucking county. 

Just Be Kinder, Less Critical.

A list of hotlines if you are struggling and need to speak to someone in Australia: 

1800RESPECT (National Hotline): 1800 737 732

Sexual Assault Crisis Line (VIC): 1800 806 282

Lifeline (24-Hour Crisis Line): 131114

Sexual Assault Counselling Australia: 1800 211 028

LGBTQ+ Violence Services: 1800 497 212 

A SIGN

Seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of bettering ourselves.

We live in a society that has conditioned us to think that vulnerability and seeking help is a sign of weakness. When in a reality having to put our hands up and say we are not doing well and need help, takes courage. 

Seeking therapy is NOT A SIGN of weakness. It’s A SIGN of improvement. 

Therapy is a space to let out what is occurring within us. It’s a space to learn tools, strategies and receive insight that will assist us in our day to day life; bettering our relationship with ourselves and others.

Therapy is NOT a sign of weakness or the idea of being broken. 

Therapy is a way of bettering ourselves.

A way of becoming familiar with what is occurring in our mind. How to stop and reconstruct our self-limiting beliefs and negative thinking patterns, also reconstruct those narratives we tell ourselves that is base on a lack mentality. 

To seek therapy is a courageous thing in our society when it shouldn’t be. 

Seeking help and bettering ourselves should be normalized.

There is nothing wrong or selfish to want to be a better person towards ourselves and others. 
There is nothing wrong with wanting to get to know ourselves and let go of our insecurities, hurt and pain. 

The tools we learn and use on ourselves are the same tools we teach our children and those to come in our bloodline/life. 
The same strategies and foundation we are building for ourselves are the same foundation we are bringing to our future children/bloodline. 

To seek professional help does not only affect and benefit us, it benefits those who are still to come. 

By bettering ourselves (our mind, body and soul) we are creating and setting a solid and secure foundation for ourselves and those who are still to come.

EVERYTHING in life creates a butterfly effect.

It’s never easy or comfortable to take the first steps into seeking help, although that discomfort turns into courage once we’ve taken the steps towards the action we fear the most. 

To seek help is a sign of strength and courage. 

To be aware that we need it and we no longer have the desire to live a life in conflict with ourselves, is A SIGN that it’s time. 

Fighting with ourselves is tiring and so exhausting. Having to go into battle with ourselves every day is a war that nobody can see although it takes such a heavy toll on us and those around us. 

To seek help is not a weakness but rather a sign of improvement. 

A sign of bettering our life.

A sign of bettering our self.

A sign of bettering the relationship we have with others. 

To seek professional help is a sign of courage and strength. 

It’s a sign of desiring to live a life aligned to who we truly are outside of our pain, insecurities and hate. --- 

Be Kinder, Less Critical

An Internal Suicide

There is this odd feeling within me about being an immigrant. I don't feel as I belong to either of the countries that I have the privileged in experiencing (the Philippines and Australia).

It's clear with the features and skin colour I have that I am not Australian; although hearing me speak and the slangs I use you'd think I was born here. The funny thing is some people who I've known for the entire time I've lived here, they don't know I'm born in another country. From the top of my head, I have at least 5 experiences where someone has assumed I was born here and when I correct them, they have this wide-eyed shock expression splattered all over their face.

It's not like they are to blame for a misunderstanding that reflects what is going on in my inner world. Growing up, I've carried this internalisation of shame and rejection about my own culture. It's one aspect of myself that I’ve learnt to deny and ignore over the years.

I’ve experienced racisms and microaggression growing up; the thing is it's this unconscious behaviours and beliefs that we have about a particular culture. The stereotypes that films and TV shows portray a certain culture, which creates this idea of it being a reality, when in fact it's far from it. It creates a huge impact on our society and how we view other cultures. When we carry and project out stereotypes and prejudices towards others it creates shame and rejection, whether we are aware of it or not.

Being an immigrant, whether it was the tiniest comment a person made, even if they didn't mean harm, it still had that stain of shame that is underlying racist. As time went on these incidents would happen frequently to the point that instead of feeling embarrassed, I'd laugh it off. It became a habit to absorb rather than calling it out for what it truly was; which is racism.

Even my name was something I didn't embrace. Throughout school, it was mispronounced and I never corrected them. It wasn't because I was lazy, it was the sheer fact of shame I held about my name. Everyone else's name was so easy to pronounce, and mine was the odd one out. That was something I rejected about myself. Any teenager wants to fit in and they don't want to be the odd bird out. So we do what we got to do to fit in.

Although as I move forward to becoming an adult and stepping into the path of self-love, I realised that the shame and rejection I held about myself was something that put me out of an alignment of who I truly was. I didn't embrace being the odd bird out and my uniqueness, which got me to play small and blend in with the crowd.

I laugh and grief for those times I lost being someone who I wasn't, those experiences taught me that being someone else or wearing a mask does not last long. They eventually fall off and then we are required to put on a different mask, which puts us in this cycle of facades and illusions until we burnout and makes a conscious decision that we no longer have the desire to wear a mask.

This lifestyle was so detriment to my mental health and self-esteem. It's what internalisation of shame and rejection does; especially if we hold this towards our culture and aspects of ourselves that we had zero control over choosing. Being born in another country isn't something to be ashamed of.

Shame and rejection are poison and the ingredients for regrets. Living a life that isn't aligned with who we are is the by-product of shame and rejection. When we reject and shame aspects of our authentic self we are separating our self from that particular thing, in this context our own culture. When we reject our own culture, we reject a huge chunk of our identity.

Our culture is something that we don't have to hold dearly, although creating shame and rejection round that, is also denying aspects of our self that have created and made us who we are today. It's not all rainbows and sunshine although; all of our experiences have contributed to who we are today, which includes our culture. – It's never easy, having to adapt to a new country although having to let our self grieve for the life we had and being grateful for the new beginning we have embarked in, is key. Having both of those simultaneously happen within us is normal.

It's okay to feel that odd feeling of not knowing where we belong or which culture we resonate with the most and it is also okay, to sit between two cultures. We aren't obligated to pick just one if we have had the privilege to live in more than one country. Having that experience is a blessing and not everyone gets that experience or chance too.

As we continue to become familiar with our own culture and find our bearing on where we belong and who we are; which (mind you) is constantly changing and evolving as we grow and age.

It is okay and normal for immigrants to embrace and sit with that odd feeling of not knowing which culture we resonate with the most.

Don't feel guilty for not knowing or having the conclusions just yet, for now, we can indulge in both of them at ones freely.

Be Kinder, Less Critical

narcissism and codependency

---

( DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional expert of narcissism or codependency. I am speaking from my own personal experiences and the ways I have overcome my own traits of narcissism and codependency. )

Art Created by Iuliastration

Those who have a high level of narcissism and codependency traits will usually match up. As the person who has narcissism is seeking a partner who can validate and willing to go along with the illusion they have created. Whereas the co-dependent person will go along because they are seeking acceptance and love. They will tend to abandon parts of themself to feel those certain levels of security. They create this overtaking or over giving dynamic. 

The most common trait both of these types of personality have are they are both deeply insecure and wounded. They either need others or external validation for their worthiness and a sense of acceptance. Rather than seeking it within them and finding it from within. As they live under the illusions and conditioning that their worth and a sense of acceptance are something that can be found outside of themself.

People who are secure within themself, do not need to go out and seek their worth from external things and others. They have a sense of security because they are grounded with who they are and they have cultivated self-love. - 

There is a difference between narcissism and narcissistic. People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder lack guilt and it's harder for them to recover from that type of personality. Whereas someone who has a high level of narcissism, they usually adopt this from their upbringing. Where the children's material and physical needs were met although their emotional and mental needs were neglected or abandoned. Where the parents would only validate and accept them if they got external achievements such as metals or awards and never acknowledging the internal achievements such as over mental illness. 

This creates conditioning that their worth and sense of acceptance is tied to material and physical possession as well as external achievements. Where this type of conditioning will be followed throughout their lives which then gets passed down throughout generations. That is an example of an intergenerational cycle many of us are on. This also gets the former adult to seek outside of themselves which always puts them in a runner chaser dynamic. Where they feel the need to constantly achieve more than they should because they have attached their self-worth and love to material and external. Which is a sign of a heightened Ego. 

- Someone can have a certain level of narcissism traits, although might not necessarily be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder. 

Codependency is abandoning parts of ourself and seeking out acceptance, love and validation from others. There are many traits that are linked with being codependent, such as people-pleasing, lack of boundaries, low level of esteem or worth and a hard time saying no. 

People who have a level of co-dependency will abandon parts of themselves to be liked or accepted. They fear of being alone which the reason why many of us tend to stay with people who we know are not compatible with us, not just romantically but also friendship wise. It also gets us in positions where we might be at risk because we have trouble of saying no and have a lack of knowledge and practise of putting up boundaries which get easily manipulated and harmed. 

For each individual, it'll be different. Everyone does through different situations in their upbringing. Most of the root cause is from experiencing lack of boundaries as a child or not having set an example of people around us who have a secure sense of self or worth. 

This isn't a time to blame our upbring or our parents. As an adult, we are responsible for our healing and how we cope with our emotions. It does suck when we are not given the right tools to overcome these hurdles. - Although we can choose with our free will to either repressed it or we can reparent ourself. Our parents didn't know any better. If we observe our family dynamics we will see a pattern which has most likely have been past down as parental teaching throughout the bloodline. - This is an opportunity to break cycles within our own bloodlines, so we do not further past it down to our future kins. 
(Deeper depths of the concept of Breaking Generational Cycle: Link)

Both narcissism and codependency are deep-rooted from a lack of security with their self-esteem and worth. - The difference is with a narcissistic person, they can hold up a persona that they are deeply secure and confident although within themself that person is completely the opposite. There are also different types of narcissistic. Not all narcissistic people are confident and want the spotlight on them. Those types of narcissism are very easily spotted in a sense. - There are types where people with a certain level of narcissism will play the victim role. Where they are deeply rooted in the victim mentality and feel as everyone and everything is out to get them. So then they pursue and act out vindictive behaviours and are able to justify them because of the mindset they have. 
Many narcissistic people feel like a victim, although someone will play this role to get what they want in life or a partner that will play and continue their illusions. Again narcissism comes in a spectrum, it will not be the same for everyone. It's about being aware of the signs and red flags. 

That is why it is most likely for someone to be paired up when they have a certain level of co-dependency with someone who also has a level of narcissism. - With the use of spirituality, religion or their past shouldn't bypass the abuse and toxicity people go through in these types of dynamics. When people use their past as a way to bypass their current behaviour that is a form of manipulation and gaslighting. - Nobody has a choice of whatever circumstance had happened in the past. The current partner we do have in the present also did not create those circumstances.

When we have unhealed wounds that are not tended to. We move from a place of those unhealed wounds, whether we realise it or not. - When we become toxic and abusive to those who just want to love us. We can not use our past as our bypassing. - This context is different for each individual. It's using your decrement and common sense to alter this information for each individual reader. 

It's different if both partners are on the same page and actively changing and heading towards growth and evolution of their own individual soul.

With romantic relationships, love and a spark are not enough. Compatibility has to be taken into account too. Not just with each person's interests, hobbies and like. It also comes with their goals, future, values and morals.  - Sometimes we seem like we fit with people because of the spark they ignite within us, although when we look deeply we realise that it was only that spark we had in common. We then decide to embark on our own not because they are not worthy but we seek more than just a spark. 

 
We tackle and heal our narcissism and codependency by loving ourself. Where we begin to break out of our whole foundation that is attached to the conditioning of narcissism and codependency. Any type of conditioning or beliefs that narrated that our worth and sense of self is attached to others needed to be reconstructed. This is where we have to unpack why we believe we do not deserve unconditional love and find the root cause it. Which is usually attached in our childhood. 

A reminder that our childhood is where we build and create the first foundation that we bring out to the world. When we create one base on an unstable and unsteady foundation, to begin with, it's not going to last long or we will mirror that same instability. It's like using a table with three and a half legs. Learning to love ourself comes with inner work, patience and time. The harsh truth is that many of us want inner peace, contentment and a secure sense of self, although not many of us are willing to do the inner work. Which requires the level of security we are looking for from within. - 

It's a process that takes us out of our comfort zone. To a place that we might not even be aware of or even know to exist. - Love that has attachments is not true love. We have to accept people for the way they are without trying to change them. It is not our job nor do we have the right to change others for liking. - 

To truly love someone is to accept them for exactly who they are and even then we get to decide to either stay by their side or love them the distance. - Sometimes we have to choose to love ourself in order to feel unconditional love and that is okay.  

__________________________

PROFESSIONAL EXPERTS - Links to their social media: 

Dr. Ramani - YouTube  
Sarah Kamoto - Instagram
Megan Dorthy - Instagram
Hailey Magee - Instagram

Art Created by Iuliastration

BE KINDER, LESS CRITICAL