Topics:

Diving into what shame is, how it manifests itself (The Stems) in our reality (examples provided), how it affects our self-worth, how we can heal this part of ourselves, and healing reminders along the way of the writing piece.

Shame is that discomfort we feel within us that makes us stop living out and doing things we love because narratives like "what if people think I'm weird", "my parents won't approve of that", "my friends won't accept me", or "who would love and accept me if I did X, Y or Z", that run through our mind derailing our plans and desires to live and create a life that is fulfilling; and a reflection of our passion, desires and contentment.

Many times the root cause of the shame we feel is unconscious, meaning there is a seed we've planted throughout our life (majority of the time in our childhood/upbringing) that made us believe being ourselves or doing a particular thing would get those around us to not meet our needs or expectations (ie. to be loved, accepted, included, seen, respected etc.). This particular seed still affects and influences our day to day lives it's just we aren't consciously aware of its impact.

Here is the catch; there was a point in our history that our reality was being shamed and judged for whatever reasons. These particular experiences wired our nervous system in a way that each time we are faced with a similar situation, for example having to express our truths, those wiring will be trigged. This is where we'll have narratives such as those listed above will run through our mind, creating a completely different action to what we initially/intuitively desired or planned.

Another example: We were shamed and judged for expressing our love for astrology and those around us told us that it was “fake”. That those predictions don't won't come true and people who participate in that type of industry are “scammers”. Now as an adult we’re trying to dive into that part of ourselves although there is a conflict going on within us. Where a part feels like we’re a fraud or our friends and family won’t accept us, and another part is filling up with life and passion because it's what our soul is calling us to do.

This is what shame does. It stops us from living out our authenticity because we've created attached to our worth with our external world. Where we created beliefs that our worth and sense of value is determined by what is occurring in our external world and the people we’ve put on a pedestal say.

For example, when we've attached our sense of value to our productivity that we push ourselves towards burnout just so feel less guilty for resting. We go on a cycle where we shame ourselves when our body is clearly calling out for rest. This cycle of shame manifests in many ways like when we try to achieve certain things because we have attached this idea, that we will receive a particular need for example to feel happy about ourselves. When in reality we don't need that particular achievement to be happy because happiness shouldn't be our end goal to achieve things. We should be happy in moving forward in achieving our goals and using that particular energy to push through the challenges and lemons life gives us along the way.

This doesn't mean we should bypass our other emotions F*CK NO! This means that we shouldn't put in our goals 'to be happy'. Happiness is an emotion, which we feel so many in just one day and they are not permanent. It's unrealistic to expect ourselves to be happy all the time because that stops us from expressing and embodying our true authentic emotions.

Happiness should be our fuel to go after what we desire because we have the right and deserve to be happy and welcome in that sensation with ease, rather than making it our reward. We have the right to be happy and worthy now!

Worth & Shame

The definition of our value, worth, sense of self and emotions are not attached to anything or anyone, it's something we define within ourselves. What someone else finds valuable, might not be valuable to us. That's because we all have different sets of values, morals, ethics, perceptions, truths, and desires, not everyone will have the same. It's important to remind ourselves that; because many times people project their shame and judgements that lives and plays within their inner worlds to their outer world.

The majority of the time that's the reason how we got those seeds of shame in the first because someone in our external (someone we probably looked up to) unconsciously projected their internalized shame and judgement to us. Not knowing/having the knowledge and awareness at the times we created this blueprint that shamed and abandoned parts of ourselves in order to receive a need (example: to be loved, accepted, valued, included).

Shame stops us from living and expressing our bare and raw truths. Where we learnt to dim our light down, quieten our voice, turn down our sensitivity, just for others comfort. Because of those experiences, where we adapted shame, we’ve created fears and limitations that keep us in cycles of self-abandonment. It also stops us from living and creating a life we desire.

The Stem & Healing

Those narratives and thoughts we are aware of are the stems from the seed of internalized shame within our subconscious mind. There is a purpose on why we have suppressed that seed. It’s just the sheer fact that it brings forth discomfort when re-visiting the reasons why they’re there in the first place. Having to see it from a higher perspective and the lenses as our adult version, how we were treated as children, is daunting and uncomfortable. It brings up heavy emotions and memories, that we suppressed for good reasons, such as survival and keeping us safe and sane.

Providing compassion, love, empathy and pure forgiveness is what mend those parts of ourselves. Obviously, healing comes in layers. We don't generally forgive ourselves and those who have (intentionally or unconsciously) hurt us just like that. It takes time and process for our subconscious mind to catch up to the rewiring within our conscious mind. Rewiring our inner systems from the nervous system, mindset, behavioural patterning is not overnight work.

The way we heal the internalized shame we have is by determining what stems are coming out of those particular roots. What aspects of ourselves from the activities, habits, traits, mindset patterns, past experiences are we judging and shaming. Many times unpacking the stems allows us to get to the root cause of why it's there in the first place.

By acknowledging those stems we are bringing our awareness to it, which then puts us in a position to unpack them. You can download my free e-book "Alchiments Your Fear" which allows you to go through a step by step process of unpacking your stems. Alter the process for shame instead of fear.

a set of journal prompts you can use when unpacking shame within yourself:

Pick a specific part of yourself you’re ashamed of although would love to live out in your reality:

Observe the emotions, thoughts, beliefs/narratives that come up for you surrounding this shame.
Then reflect back to the times where this has come up for you. Dive into details of these reflections. Observe the emotions, narratives, that are coming up. Is there a pattern?
Do have a recollection of when you had this pattern or particular fragment come up for the first time? If so when?
Has it popped up in other areas (career, love, friendship, family, business) of your life, although a different texture but same root?

A gentle reminder that this process comes in layers. There be no set deadline where we will be 'fully healed', although a time where our triggers won't flare up anymore because we've worked actively and consistently to re-wire them from shame to self-acceptance. This just takes time and effort in creating, allowing time to teach us patience is also part of this process.

It's important not to rush our journey and progress. As much as we want to jump and leap towards the next cycle, believe it or not, each cycle we are on provides and equips us with the experiences and knowledge we need for the next cycles of our journey. Allow those discomfort and heavy emotions that we've stored and suppressed for so long, to be expressed and released allowing us to make room for new energies to welcome and embody.

Be patient, graceful and kind with ourselves as we unlearn and simultaneously learn new ways of living a life in alignment to who we are truly underneath the limitations, fears, propagandas, programmings and conditionings that made us believe we weren't worthy and valuable in the first place.

For anyone who is interested in working with me. I am launching a 1 on 1 coaching program in 2022 'The Shadow Blueprint’. Where I'll be assisting you in diving and unpacking the root causes of the challenges you are facing around your relationship with yourself. Click the link by signing up to our waitlist to have early access, discounts and bonuses for the program!

Much Love, Merichel

Be Kinder, Less Critical.