Top Killer For Authenticity

Topics:

Diving into what shame is, how it manifests itself (The Stems) in our reality (examples provided), how it affects our self-worth, how we can heal this part of ourselves, and healing reminders along the way of the writing piece.

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Shame is that discomfort we feel within us that makes us stop living out and doing things we love because narratives like "what if people think I'm weird", "my parents won't approve of that", "my friends won't accept me", or "who would love and accept me if I did X, Y or Z", that run through our mind derailing our plans and desires to live and create a life that is fulfilling; and a reflection of our passion, desires and contentment.

Many times the root cause of the shame we feel is unconscious, meaning there is a seed we've planted throughout our life (majority of the time in our childhood/upbringing) that made us believe being ourselves or doing a particular thing would get those around us to not meet our needs or expectations (ie. to be loved, accepted, included, seen, respected etc.). This particular seed still affects and influences our day to day lives it's just we aren't consciously aware of its impact.

Here is the catch; there was a point in our history that our reality was being shamed and judged for whatever reasons. These particular experiences wired our nervous system in a way that each time we are faced with a similar situation, for example having to express our truths, those wiring will be trigged. This is where we'll have narratives such as those listed above will run through our mind, creating a completely different action to what we initially/intuitively desired or planned.

Another example: We were shamed and judged for expressing our love for astrology and those around us told us that it was “fake”. That those predictions don't won't come true and people who participate in that type of industry are “scammers”. Now as an adult we’re trying to dive into that part of ourselves although there is a conflict going on within us. Where a part feels like we’re a fraud or our friends and family won’t accept us, and another part is filling up with life and passion because it's what our soul is calling us to do.

This is what shame does. It stops us from living out our authenticity because we've created attached to our worth with our external world. Where we created beliefs that our worth and sense of value is determined by what is occurring in our external world and the people we’ve put on a pedestal say.

For example, when we've attached our sense of value to our productivity that we push ourselves towards burnout just so feel less guilty for resting. We go on a cycle where we shame ourselves when our body is clearly calling out for rest. This cycle of shame manifests in many ways like when we try to achieve certain things because we have attached this idea, that we will receive a particular need for example to feel happy about ourselves. When in reality we don't need that particular achievement to be happy because happiness shouldn't be our end goal to achieve things. We should be happy in moving forward in achieving our goals and using that particular energy to push through the challenges and lemons life gives us along the way.

This doesn't mean we should bypass our other emotions F*CK NO! This means that we shouldn't put in our goals 'to be happy'. Happiness is an emotion, which we feel so many in just one day and they are not permanent. It's unrealistic to expect ourselves to be happy all the time because that stops us from expressing and embodying our true authentic emotions.

Happiness should be our fuel to go after what we desire because we have the right and deserve to be happy and welcome in that sensation with ease, rather than making it our reward. We have the right to be happy and worthy now!

Worth & Shame

The definition of our value, worth, sense of self and emotions are not attached to anything or anyone, it's something we define within ourselves. What someone else finds valuable, might not be valuable to us. That's because we all have different sets of values, morals, ethics, perceptions, truths, and desires, not everyone will have the same. It's important to remind ourselves that; because many times people project their shame and judgements that lives and plays within their inner worlds to their outer world.

The majority of the time that's the reason how we got those seeds of shame in the first because someone in our external (someone we probably looked up to) unconsciously projected their internalized shame and judgement to us. Not knowing/having the knowledge and awareness at the times we created this blueprint that shamed and abandoned parts of ourselves in order to receive a need (example: to be loved, accepted, valued, included).

Shame stops us from living and expressing our bare and raw truths. Where we learnt to dim our light down, quieten our voice, turn down our sensitivity, just for others comfort. Because of those experiences, where we adapted shame, we’ve created fears and limitations that keep us in cycles of self-abandonment. It also stops us from living and creating a life we desire.

The Stem & Healing

Those narratives and thoughts we are aware of are the stems from the seed of internalized shame within our subconscious mind. There is a purpose on why we have suppressed that seed. It’s just the sheer fact that it brings forth discomfort when re-visiting the reasons why they’re there in the first place. Having to see it from a higher perspective and the lenses as our adult version, how we were treated as children, is daunting and uncomfortable. It brings up heavy emotions and memories, that we suppressed for good reasons, such as survival and keeping us safe and sane.

Providing compassion, love, empathy and pure forgiveness is what mend those parts of ourselves. Obviously, healing comes in layers. We don't generally forgive ourselves and those who have (intentionally or unconsciously) hurt us just like that. It takes time and process for our subconscious mind to catch up to the rewiring within our conscious mind. Rewiring our inner systems from the nervous system, mindset, behavioural patterning is not overnight work.

The way we heal the internalized shame we have is by determining what stems are coming out of those particular roots. What aspects of ourselves from the activities, habits, traits, mindset patterns, past experiences are we judging and shaming. Many times unpacking the stems allows us to get to the root cause of why it's there in the first place.

By acknowledging those stems we are bringing our awareness to it, which then puts us in a position to unpack them. You can download my free e-book "Alchiments Your Fear" which allows you to go through a step by step process of unpacking your stems. Alter the process for shame instead of fear.

a set of journal prompts you can use when unpacking shame within yourself:

Pick a specific part of yourself you’re ashamed of although would love to live out in your reality:

• Observe the emotions, thoughts, beliefs/narratives that come up for you surrounding this shame.

• Then reflect back to the times where this has come up for you. Dive into details of these reflections. Observe the emotions, narratives, that are coming up. Is there a pattern?

• Do have a recollection of when you had this pattern or particular fragment come up for the first time? If so when?

• Has it popped up in other areas (career, love, friendship, family, business) of your life, although a different texture but same root?
  

A gentle reminder that this process comes in layers. There be no set deadline where we will be 'fully healed', although a time where our triggers won't flare up anymore because we've worked actively and consistently to re-wire them from shame to self-acceptance. This just takes time and effort in creating, allowing time to teach us patience is also part of this process.

It's important not to rush our journey and progress. As much as we want to jump and leap towards the next cycle, believe it or not, each cycle we are on provides and equips us with the experiences and knowledge we need for the next cycles of our journey. Allow those discomfort and heavy emotions that we've stored and suppressed for so long, to be expressed and released allowing us to make room for new energies to welcome and embody.

Be patient, graceful and kind with ourselves as we unlearn and simultaneously learn new ways of living a life in alignment to who we are truly underneath the limitations, fears, propagandas, programmings and conditionings that made us believe we weren't worthy and valuable in the first place.

For anyone who is interested in working with me. I am launching a 1 on 1 coaching program in 2022 'The Shadow Blueprint’. Where I'll be assisting you in diving and unpacking the root causes of the challenges you are facing around your relationship with yourself. Click the link by signing up to our waitlist to have early access, discounts and bonuses for the program!

Sign up to our waitlist for The Shadow Blueprint Coaching Program here.

Much Love, Merichel

Be Kinder, Less Critical.

Shadow Healing

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We all have battled our OWN demons. Understanding many of us carry demons with us that are actually our Shadow. I believe transmuting and healing and understanding our demons are just wounds that need healing.

Shadow healing is a part of the process when we are going within the depth of ourselves. There is no hiding from it although we can deny these aspects of ourselves (which then puts us on a cycle of having these aspects reflect back to us). As we go deeper within ourselves we realise that we have harmed others just like how we harm ourselves. Whether it was unconsciously or consciously, it doesn't change the fact it has harmful.

WHAT DOES THE TERM 'SHADOW SELF' MEAN: 

The term shadow self is made of certain personality traits that we've repressed and rejected. They are not always negative some of these personality traits are positive although, due to society, friends or family dynamics we had to push and shame them away to our subconscious psyche. Shadow self can come through as projections or reactions when we are triggered. Carl Jung (a psychoanalyst) believed that the Shadow is in our subconscious. A part of our mind we have very little access to. - This goes in hand in hand with having to find the spark within first before beginning Shadow healing. We have to get to the surface level part of our mind before getting into our Shadow, as it's in our subconscious.

When people deny this part themselves, they are denying themselves as a whole. When we are not accepting of our Shadow, the good and bad; the harmful behaviours, actions we have done to others, those go hiding in our subconscious. Which then leads to blindly projecting, following and reacting to those aspects of ourselves. Being self-aware come with taking accountability. The good and the bad. We can't expect to just receive the good about someone or ourselves. Each and one of us came with our own Shadow. This comes with many layers. Someone who doesn't see their own Shadow or ignored the fact they have a Shadow is someone who is in denial. 

During this process, we begin to take accountability for our past actions, behaviours and habits. Many of us blame the past for our current situation. Not only are we focusing and living in the past (where it is a reality that can not be changed, it doesn't matter how hard you think about it, it's not changeable) we are also shifting the blame onto our past, we are not just blaming the experience and situations we have been in, we are also blaming those version of ourselves and others. We lose our power, instead, we are projecting it to our past and onto others, where it doesn't belong. Taking accountability isn't easy. It's rough, uncomfortable and unpleasant, coming to terms that nobody is to blame for our current situation but ourselves and our own decisions.

PURPOSE OF SHADOW HEALING:

The purpose of Shadow healing brings the found light within to our Shadow. Embracing them and showing compassion to the parts of ourselves that we have shamed, repressed and hated. That's how those aspects of ourselves have turned into shadows, from shame, hate and judgment. That's why giving ourselves compassion, kindness and understanding when going within is VERY important and those are the light we shine to our Shadow. 

Give it ourselves. We deserve it. 

Journalling is a great way to do Shadow healing. The point of journaling isn't to be the next Shakespeare. It's to put your thoughts somewhere we can visibly see and re-read; not all our thoughts and feeling are facts. Journaling helps us pull ourselves when we began to get lost in the past when we are reflecting. It is also a great way to keep 'a log' of the process of our healing. When we do get days where we feel like we are back in square one, we can look back in our journal with the process we have made. 

This is where we need compassion, kindness and understanding to come in. We have to understand that we are all following blueprints and programs that we are not even aware of. We are wearing lenses that are tainted from our past wounds and hurt. That's why we need to give our self the compassion and understanding we project onto others. We need to give those aspects to ourselves first to fully thrive in life.  

Bringing our light down to the depths of ourselves is important because we can easily get lost in the depths of ourselves that we sometimes pour more shame and hatred. When that is not what is needed. Our light is the tool that we use to accept and understand those aspects of ourselves. That part of ourselves is beginning to be seen and accepted, which is what the Shadow needs and wants.

EMBRACE AND INTEGRATE:

Part of Shadow healing is integrating our Shadow with ourselves as one. Meaning accepting those parts of us and embracing them. When we have integrated our Shadow those aspects of ourselves will be reflected back to us and then begin to identify them. Our Shadow Self mostly operated and dominates during the cycle when we are not very self-aware with the depths of ourselves or the term 'awake'. 

When integrating our Shadow we gain a new source of energy and power from within. Something that we can use to cultivate to bring forth manifestations and creating our heaven on Earth. We are the source of this new energy and we just embraced, integrated and transmuted the Shadow Self energy into a more helpful source of energy for us. 

We can transmute this energy through art, psychical activity, meditating, journaling, etc. 

ANY energy can be transmuted.

Healing and spirituality come hand in hand. Because each and one of us have been through something painful that we still carry till this day, even if we are not aware of it. It doesn’t matter how much love and light we preach, without dealing and acknowledging our Shadow Self it doesn’t do any good. We have chaos and destruction around us, why wouldn’t be within us? Chaos and destruction within are self-sabotage, negative self-talk, self-doubt, fear. These are what the Devil energy is.

I'd like to emphasise that life IS NOT black and white. It comes with many shades of greys and colours, it's up to each individual to heal and then integrate the knowledge we have acquired during our OWN process. Healing isn't a competition there is no finish line where we will be rank and receive gold medals. That's not how healing works. It's the concept of changing the reconstructing our blueprints, program and self to become a better individual. An individual who is not pouring their wounds and hurt onto others. An individual who is seeing the present moment for what it is and not through the lenses of their past and suffering. 

An individual who is willing to thrive in life no matter what cards they were dealt with, as those DO NOT DEFINE US AND OUR FUTURE. Having compassion and kindness, to ALL the versions of ourselves. We are not born evil or bad. Nobody is, it's the way some have been programmed and have been blindly following it. 

Be Kinder, Less Critical

Unconditional Love

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Self Love:

Our relationship with ourselves is the key to forming healthy external relationships. The way we view ourselves is critical. It shapes how we view everything and everyone around us. If we see ourselves as an unworthy person, will be carrying a belief that we are not good enough making us tolerant certain things, people or environment that we shouldn't. We'll say yes to things that disobey our true selves. Although forming a loving and healthy relationship with ourselves, isn't a walk in the park. It is like learning a whole different language. Loving ourselves in the world where we were taught to compare ourselves and put others needs before ours. For some loving ourselves is exactly like learning a whole new form of language. The thought of loving ourselves is so foreign that we hesitate to do so. 

It is a struggle and uncomfortable to see and accept ourselves for just the way we are, the good and the bad. Having to remove the lenses of self-hatred and chuck on the lenses of the Unknown. Something that is unfamiliar and something we can not fully comprehend. For many of us loving ourselves is The Unknown. It is because we tend to hold on to a narrative of self-limiting beliefs that no longer serves us or we have adapted through our upbringing. Although having to let that go would mean having to maneuver certain aspect of ourselves or see a part of ourselves that is still hurting and the thought of that is unbearable. 

Self-love requires being uncomfortable. We are going to places we haven't visited before, places we might have hated and ignored within ourselves. It is okay to feel shaky up and anxious. BUT have faith that we will find the Love within ourselves. Having faith in ourselves is a form of self-love. We have to trust and believe that we deserve unconditional love and that is something we can give ourselves. 

Learning to love and be our own biggest support is a must. Investing in ourselves is something we should ever feel guilty about. It's not a selfish act to have a desire to learn to love ourselves. Learning is a constant habit we are doing in our life. It is pretty much what life is about. Might as well use this life to learn to love ourselves and seek love from within. 

 

Changing our patterning thoughts:

We have to let go of certain habits, traits, behavioural patterning to experience unconditional love for ourselves. Negative self-talk can be hard to stop. Remembering that negative self-talk is just thoughts. Our thoughts are NOT ALWAYS facts. When reconstructing and changing our way of thinking it is important to PAUSE and OBSERVE the thought. Being able to distinguish and label either the thought being a fact or an assumption. Like any new habit, it is unfamiliar to us and it'll take more energy getting used too. - Pausing and observing how we talk to ourselves is important. The inner dialogue we have with ourselves has a huge impact on my mental and emotional health. In the mids of this comes with practising being open, compassionate and forgiving to ourselves because we do fall back to old habits. It is about being able to bounce back up and as we are learning. 

 Insecurity: 

Insecurity is something we all go through and have. Each and one us have certain things we would like on us or things we don't like about ourselves. Physical appearances such as our nose, colour of our skin and our natural hair are things we are not able to change. We can influence changes through cosmetic surgeries or adding chemicals to our skin etc. Insecurity is something nobody can take away from us. It doesn't disappear even if someone loves you harder. Dealing with insecurity is an inside some. When looking within and learning to love ourselves we debunk those beliefs on why we aren't good enough. 

When we beauty on others is a reflection of the beauty with us. It is being able to recognise and find it within us. No human on this Earth is perfect, they might be glamorous but never perfect. Having flaws come with being human. 

It doesn’t matter what ingredients we have for our insecurity if self-sabotage is the place you end up.  Self-sabotage stems from those self-limiting beliefs we have told ourselves and have turned into blueprints when handling relationships, new opportunities and ourselves. When going within we find the roots of our behaviours. 

Cliche as it might sound but SELF-LOVE is the answer to letting go of our outdated self-beliefs. With self-love comes with giving ourself the compassion and nurturing we need when we come to harsh truths and realities. 

Fear and Anxiety: 

One of the symptoms of anxiety is when someone begins to start avoiding things like seeing friends, turning up to appointments or simple as self-care. Anxiety makes you feel like you are going to miss out but you also dread the feeling of failure. So we begin to avoid, creating more anxiety and putting as in a cycle. This sense of feeling like a failure is an illusion. How we define the word 'failure' is important. The mindset we have for our own definition is important to reconstruct us we change and evolve. Failures are not necessarily bad or negative. It is an opportunity to learn or a redirect to something that is better suited for us. 

Failure isn’t something to fear. Sometimes during the moment of the 'failure', we don’t see the blessing within during this period of time as our emotions could be clouding the blessing. And why certain things worked out the way they did. It might be hard to see the bigger picture as there so much movement in the water. Wait, till everything and everyone has calm. Including ourselves. It is okay not to have all the answers right now. Not many of us do. (I believe) fear is something we all need. The issue with fear is letting it overcome us when we let fear run our lives. Where we make our actions based on fear. Being courageous comes with fear. Facing our fear is courageous, I believe that's how fear is transmuted into courage. The action we took to overcome our fear is the 'transmutation'. 

Unconditional Love: 

Many of us have this unconscious belief that if we 'fix' or help heal others we will be healed. We extend that healer side of us to others is a sign of co-dependency. 

 In the context of relationships having unconditional love for someone comes with no desire to change them or even the concept being together. When unconditionally love someone we have to sometimes let that person go, not because there is no love. But simply because of the compatibility, there are certain periods of time in our lives that we might be compatible with someone although as we grow that compatibility changes. With our free will we decide that. 

When we are going within we have realizations that the love we have accepted or given were not based on unconditional love but attachment. Each and one of us have developed an Attachment Style that impacts our way of forming and engaging with others. 

( A link to find YOUR Attachment Style: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/attachment-styles/#attachment-style-quiz )

Having unconditional love for someone comes with not wanting to mould them or change them into our 'perfect' ideal partner. There are no such things as perfect. That's what makes loving someone a courageous act. Even when have the fears and anxieties of the 'what ifs', we are still able to go give that love to someone else even if there is a possibility of it being rejected or have someone break our hearts. Because at the end of the day we will always have the love within us that unconditional love we have for ourself; self-love. 

 I believe many of us on Earth are learning to love ourselves. Being able to unlock that unconditional love within us is the key to creating our Heaven on Earth. 

 Be Kinder, Less Critical