narcissism and codependency

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( DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional expert of narcissism or codependency. I am speaking from my own personal experiences and the ways I have overcome my own traits of narcissism and codependency. )

Art Created by Iuliastration

Those who have a high level of narcissism and codependency traits will usually match up. As the person who has narcissism is seeking a partner who can validate and willing to go along with the illusion they have created. Whereas the co-dependent person will go along because they are seeking acceptance and love. They will tend to abandon parts of themself to feel those certain levels of security. They create this overtaking or over giving dynamic. 

The most common trait both of these types of personality have are they are both deeply insecure and wounded. They either need others or external validation for their worthiness and a sense of acceptance. Rather than seeking it within them and finding it from within. As they live under the illusions and conditioning that their worth and a sense of acceptance are something that can be found outside of themself.

People who are secure within themself, do not need to go out and seek their worth from external things and others. They have a sense of security because they are grounded with who they are and they have cultivated self-love. - 

There is a difference between narcissism and narcissistic. People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder lack guilt and it's harder for them to recover from that type of personality. Whereas someone who has a high level of narcissism, they usually adopt this from their upbringing. Where the children's material and physical needs were met although their emotional and mental needs were neglected or abandoned. Where the parents would only validate and accept them if they got external achievements such as metals or awards and never acknowledging the internal achievements such as over mental illness. 

This creates conditioning that their worth and sense of acceptance is tied to material and physical possession as well as external achievements. Where this type of conditioning will be followed throughout their lives which then gets passed down throughout generations. That is an example of an intergenerational cycle many of us are on. This also gets the former adult to seek outside of themselves which always puts them in a runner chaser dynamic. Where they feel the need to constantly achieve more than they should because they have attached their self-worth and love to material and external. Which is a sign of a heightened Ego. 

- Someone can have a certain level of narcissism traits, although might not necessarily be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder. 

Codependency is abandoning parts of ourself and seeking out acceptance, love and validation from others. There are many traits that are linked with being codependent, such as people-pleasing, lack of boundaries, low level of esteem or worth and a hard time saying no. 

People who have a level of co-dependency will abandon parts of themselves to be liked or accepted. They fear of being alone which the reason why many of us tend to stay with people who we know are not compatible with us, not just romantically but also friendship wise. It also gets us in positions where we might be at risk because we have trouble of saying no and have a lack of knowledge and practise of putting up boundaries which get easily manipulated and harmed. 

For each individual, it'll be different. Everyone does through different situations in their upbringing. Most of the root cause is from experiencing lack of boundaries as a child or not having set an example of people around us who have a secure sense of self or worth. 

This isn't a time to blame our upbring or our parents. As an adult, we are responsible for our healing and how we cope with our emotions. It does suck when we are not given the right tools to overcome these hurdles. - Although we can choose with our free will to either repressed it or we can reparent ourself. Our parents didn't know any better. If we observe our family dynamics we will see a pattern which has most likely have been past down as parental teaching throughout the bloodline. - This is an opportunity to break cycles within our own bloodlines, so we do not further past it down to our future kins. 
(Deeper depths of the concept of Breaking Generational Cycle: Link)

Both narcissism and codependency are deep-rooted from a lack of security with their self-esteem and worth. - The difference is with a narcissistic person, they can hold up a persona that they are deeply secure and confident although within themself that person is completely the opposite. There are also different types of narcissistic. Not all narcissistic people are confident and want the spotlight on them. Those types of narcissism are very easily spotted in a sense. - There are types where people with a certain level of narcissism will play the victim role. Where they are deeply rooted in the victim mentality and feel as everyone and everything is out to get them. So then they pursue and act out vindictive behaviours and are able to justify them because of the mindset they have. 
Many narcissistic people feel like a victim, although someone will play this role to get what they want in life or a partner that will play and continue their illusions. Again narcissism comes in a spectrum, it will not be the same for everyone. It's about being aware of the signs and red flags. 

That is why it is most likely for someone to be paired up when they have a certain level of co-dependency with someone who also has a level of narcissism. - With the use of spirituality, religion or their past shouldn't bypass the abuse and toxicity people go through in these types of dynamics. When people use their past as a way to bypass their current behaviour that is a form of manipulation and gaslighting. - Nobody has a choice of whatever circumstance had happened in the past. The current partner we do have in the present also did not create those circumstances.

When we have unhealed wounds that are not tended to. We move from a place of those unhealed wounds, whether we realise it or not. - When we become toxic and abusive to those who just want to love us. We can not use our past as our bypassing. - This context is different for each individual. It's using your decrement and common sense to alter this information for each individual reader. 

It's different if both partners are on the same page and actively changing and heading towards growth and evolution of their own individual soul.

With romantic relationships, love and a spark are not enough. Compatibility has to be taken into account too. Not just with each person's interests, hobbies and like. It also comes with their goals, future, values and morals.  - Sometimes we seem like we fit with people because of the spark they ignite within us, although when we look deeply we realise that it was only that spark we had in common. We then decide to embark on our own not because they are not worthy but we seek more than just a spark. 

 
We tackle and heal our narcissism and codependency by loving ourself. Where we begin to break out of our whole foundation that is attached to the conditioning of narcissism and codependency. Any type of conditioning or beliefs that narrated that our worth and sense of self is attached to others needed to be reconstructed. This is where we have to unpack why we believe we do not deserve unconditional love and find the root cause it. Which is usually attached in our childhood. 

A reminder that our childhood is where we build and create the first foundation that we bring out to the world. When we create one base on an unstable and unsteady foundation, to begin with, it's not going to last long or we will mirror that same instability. It's like using a table with three and a half legs. Learning to love ourself comes with inner work, patience and time. The harsh truth is that many of us want inner peace, contentment and a secure sense of self, although not many of us are willing to do the inner work. Which requires the level of security we are looking for from within. - 

It's a process that takes us out of our comfort zone. To a place that we might not even be aware of or even know to exist. - Love that has attachments is not true love. We have to accept people for the way they are without trying to change them. It is not our job nor do we have the right to change others for liking. - 

To truly love someone is to accept them for exactly who they are and even then we get to decide to either stay by their side or love them the distance. - Sometimes we have to choose to love ourself in order to feel unconditional love and that is okay.  

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PROFESSIONAL EXPERTS - Links to their social media: 

Dr. Ramani - YouTube  
Sarah Kamoto - Instagram
Megan Dorthy - Instagram
Hailey Magee - Instagram

Art Created by Iuliastration

BE KINDER, LESS CRITICAL

Overcoming our OWN stigmas, bias and prejudices

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Mental illness is misunderstood and miscommunicated. Each and one of us have experienced a level of Anxiety or Depression. Those two illnesses that many are being exposed to right now, especially during COVID lockdowns. Although there are plenty of other illnesses that many people go through such as Bi-polar, Schizophrenia, Psychosis, Borderline Personality Disorder, eating disorders and many more. In the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) there is nearly 300 mental illness listed in that book. Majority of people are not aware of this and are not exposed to it. Although, there are others who are exposed to mental illness every day either experiencing it or someone around them is. 

Mental illness carries so many stigmas, bias and prejudices. It also carries a weight of lack of education of the reality of mental illness. Not just with the signs and symptoms but what it does to our body, mind and soul. Our brain is the engine to the entire body system. Our brain is the backbone of our wellbeing. When our brain begins to malfunction and not get a certain level of chemicals that are needed to function in our day to day lives. We begin to get sick, just like any other illnesses we go through in our body. Any muscles we strain and hurt we have to go to the doctors and get it looked at which then requires caring and healing for. That is exactly the same as for our brain. Where mental illness is operating, the difference is its completely inside our mind. There are no visible wounds that show we are suffering from it. Unless we open up about it and even then it's daunting opening up about. 

We are conditioned and live in a society that creates and benefits from our mental illness. Where we were assigned gender roles before we were out of the womb. Where were taught that emotions were either feminine or masculine and negative or positive? Where being praised for being strong which looked like constantly smiling and being dominate. Where vulnerability was taught as a weakness and a lack of self-control. - When in reality vulnerability is one of the best and useful way to connect with someone in a deeper level. A level that most of us crave for. A level that makes us feel seen, heard and understood. Vulnerability is seen as something not to be proud of and somehow shamed. When in reality vulnerability take courage and bravery to be able to share ourself in such a way we were never taught. Which we've internalised as shameful and judge towards ourselves and others who is open to being vulnerable.  Vulnerability takes guts and bravery to show our authentic self in a world that benefits from fakery and facade. 

Being diagnosed with a mental illness is something not hide or be ashamed of. It's something to acknowledge that we are ill, which is exactly what mental illness is. A sickness/illness that is occurring within our brain. The part that helps us function and operates our entire body system. Without our brain, we become vegetables. 

I believe the first step in stepping over stigmas and prejudice is being able to open and embrace mental illness. We can not remove the stigmas if we are not able to speak about the main topic. Acknowledging our illness for exactly what it is which is an illness. An illness that we can heal and recover from. It's not a permanent state, our brain is so complex and amazing that we can rewire our connections within it. Creating a better wiring pattern that will heal our mindset and change the way we move in life. It's a journey that requires effort and work although it's such a rewarding work to do. As we begin to heal and discover ourself outside of our illness. 

Mental illness will not look the same for everyone. It will have different shapes, shades and sizes for anyone who’s experiencing it. This does not mean we don’t deserve healing because we’ve told ourself ‘oh it’s not that bad it could be worse’. This type of narrative dismisses and we actually gaslight ourself into thinking we do not need healing. When we do this to ourself, we denial parts of our reality and ourself. We create this shame and judgement within ourself which we then projected onto others and our external environment. 

Having to acknowledge that we are not doing okay and our emotions and feelings feel heavy, can be the first stepping stone to letting go of the narrative we tell ourself. Permitting ourself to feel what we are feeling without dismissing and gaslighting ourself. 

Mental illness is not a justification for acting poorly or toxic. Our illness does not define us. When we begin to heal, accountability comes within that process. When we begin to accept ourself and our actions whether out of pure intention or from a place of hurt. We can’t deny others realities of how they’ve experienced the interaction they’ve had with us. 

This isn’t a time where we welcome more shame and judgement. It’s just about holding ourself accountable that when we are hurting we tend to want to hurt others too. For whatever reason it might be, it doesn't justify that our behaviours were toxic and had poorly affected others around us. - That saying 'Hurt People, Hurt, People' is very true. We tend to have a desire to hurt others just the way they've hurt us. Which is linked to the narrative we have told ourself. That nobody knows or will understand how we feel, so instead of expressing it. We have to show them through our actions on how they've made us feel. 

This also links back to stigmas and prejudices we have adapted and currently programmed within our society today. Which is that victim mentality, where we give our power away by blaming instead of taking accountability of healing ourself. Nobody is the world had a choice of what family and environment we were born. That is something nobody in the world had control over. As children, we are vulnerable and in a sense powerless. Although the beauty in being in our adulthood, we can take and stand in our power. Not just by taking accountability for our actions, also taking accountability for our past. Finding the blessing within them our experiences. Although a disclaimer; before we can find the blessing within our traumas and experiences we have to heal the emotional aspects of it. The pain, the wounds, the scars that are attached to our traumas and experiences; we have to attend to them before we can see the blessing within the storm. 

The stigmas, bias and prejudices that many of us experience is the global pandemic. In the context of mental health, the judgement and shame someone experiences because of an illness they can't help or have control over is detrimental. Stigmas, bias and prejudices are not personal issues, it is a social issue. That is happening on a global scale. We have to begin working on our own stigmas, bias, and prejudices to be able to tackle it as a collective. We all have to be on the same page on tacking an issue that many of us are exposed and affected by on the daily. 

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Where do judgment and shame come from?

Judgment and shame are something we have all experienced in some shape or form. Either from others or ourself. Those two aspects are not normal emotions. They are just chemical reactions that we get when we receive information that doesn't support our Ego's narratives. They also come from how we have been conditioned during our upbringing and from our interpersonal relationships throughout our life. 

When we experience these being projected to us during our childhood we internalise it. We begin to create narratives and blueprints that ties to judgement and shame. As children, we want to be seen, heard and understood by our loves ones around us. When that isn't reciprocated we internalised these behaviours they acted towards us. Either by pushing away our own needs, shaming and judging our work etc. there are many other examples and experiences that each individual have gone through that is tied with their own internalised shame and judgement.

The main cause of judgement and shame is hurt and pain that many experienced as children. Those same hurt and pain have been buried underneath all the social conditioning, the family and friends dynamics, the education system, the work lifestyles etc. Many will not be aware that we carry those weight till this day through the judgement and shame we project onto others. Because in some aspects of our life we have experience judgement and shame but instead of pulling ourself back and creating a healthy inner dialogue to process those projections. We internalised it and push it away deep within ourself. Pretending that it didn't hurt and that we were not affected by it. Although if we were honest with ourself we will come to terms that we were hurt and it did affect us. 

It doesn't matter what ingredients we have for our hurt, pain or trauma it doesn't change the fact it's still pain, hurt or trauma. 

The social conditioning made us believe that we have to compare every aspect of ourself to others. Maybe not to feel good but to be able to relate in some way or form. Although, when we begin to try to 'one-up' others in the context of pain or even beauty it becomes toxic. That behaviour of wanting to be better than others is toxic and creates such unpleasant energy to be around. - We should never compare our pain, trauma, beauty and life with others. It's unhealthy and creates more internalised shame and judgement, which then we project. It's this continues cycle we go on and we have to break them to stop experiencing them. We have to be able to break those cycles within ourselves first and become aware of the narratives that we have been re-telling ourself. 

It begins with questioning the conscious and the unconscious narratives we are holding on to. - Was it from our conditioning or was it something we created because of an experience that was out of our control? Did it keep us safe at some point in time? Does it still align with who we are today in the present moment? 

It is being able to reflect and unpack our life without having to create more judgement and shame. This can be done on our own, although we might not feel confident or even know how to do it. So it's best if we go to a professional who is trained in looking into mental health issues. 

I'd like to emphasise that seeking professional help in regards to anything is not something to judge or be ashamed of. There is nothing wrong with wanting to heal and know more about ourself and the illness we suffer from. Being open to professional help doesn't just benefit us, it also benefits our love ones. It can be daunting to seek professional help when it's something we are not used to or some cultural conditioning, although it's a way of stepping into healing. Just because we seek professional help does not mean we will continue it for the rest of our life. It's about having a safe space to unpack and reflect on ourself and our experiences, without judgement, shame or bias. A professional worker's job is not to judge or discriminate against us. Their job is to create a safe space and give us unbiased and professional viewpoint on what we are disclosing. 

Our trauma stays in our nervous system until we are consciously aware they are there and ready to be healed. Majority of people are not aware of this. They are not aware they are following till this day a blueprint and programming that they made from a place of wound and pain. It's just bringing these hidden blueprints into our awareness. It's not easy to accept these concepts although there is this saying my therapist told me which was "you have to go through it before you can overcome it." In the context of our emotions, we have to be able to feel them, sit with them and befriend them to be able to let them go. We can not let go of something we have repressed and denied for many years.

From personal experience of trauma and mental health healing, I had these narratives of "why am I not over it yet" or “it happened years ago, I got the help then”. I use to punish, judge, shame myself for feeling the way I did. It was because I lacked knowledge about mental illness and trauma. I also didn’t understand my own emotions and I was afraid to dive in them. It was because those emotions, feelings and inner wounds were created from my traumas which still lingered around my nervous system. - Which operates our emotional responses. That's why when we feel triggered we lose it because of all the build-up emotions, and feelings we have repressed and still holding on to unconsciously. Which then ties back around to having to heal ourself and being open to professional help. Which then links us back to our prejudices and stigmas on seeking professional help with mental illness or even acknowledging we are mentally unwell. 

Everything links and ties back to one another. That’s why it’s important to just focus on one thing, which is our own mental health. When we heal ourself, we also heal the aspects of our own stigmas, bias and prejudices. We also break the cycles of the narratives, blueprints and programming we have adapted and have been following. We also lead by example to those around us and to others who have the desire to heal. We also step into our power and our true authentic self, as we are not living through our past lenses. We’ve learnt to live through the present as the past no longer holds power over us. 

We are moving to a new way of living. When we witness all the chaos and illusions being revealed on a global scale. We can see how much trauma, pain and hurt hold such a deep wound within our society. It’s not just within ourself and our bloodline. It’s a global pandemic. A pandemic that each and one us holds pain and hurt that is screaming and being projected to be acknowledged and healed. - We can not heal globally by focusing all our energy externally. We have to begin within ourselves and heal those parts within us. Which then links and ties with society through a global and collective scale. 
As Within, So Without. 

BE KINDER, LESS CRITICAL

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