Top Killer For Authenticity

Topics:

Diving into what shame is, how it manifests itself (The Stems) in our reality (examples provided), how it affects our self-worth, how we can heal this part of ourselves, and healing reminders along the way of the writing piece.

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Shame is that discomfort we feel within us that makes us stop living out and doing things we love because narratives like "what if people think I'm weird", "my parents won't approve of that", "my friends won't accept me", or "who would love and accept me if I did X, Y or Z", that run through our mind derailing our plans and desires to live and create a life that is fulfilling; and a reflection of our passion, desires and contentment.

Many times the root cause of the shame we feel is unconscious, meaning there is a seed we've planted throughout our life (majority of the time in our childhood/upbringing) that made us believe being ourselves or doing a particular thing would get those around us to not meet our needs or expectations (ie. to be loved, accepted, included, seen, respected etc.). This particular seed still affects and influences our day to day lives it's just we aren't consciously aware of its impact.

Here is the catch; there was a point in our history that our reality was being shamed and judged for whatever reasons. These particular experiences wired our nervous system in a way that each time we are faced with a similar situation, for example having to express our truths, those wiring will be trigged. This is where we'll have narratives such as those listed above will run through our mind, creating a completely different action to what we initially/intuitively desired or planned.

Another example: We were shamed and judged for expressing our love for astrology and those around us told us that it was “fake”. That those predictions don't won't come true and people who participate in that type of industry are “scammers”. Now as an adult we’re trying to dive into that part of ourselves although there is a conflict going on within us. Where a part feels like we’re a fraud or our friends and family won’t accept us, and another part is filling up with life and passion because it's what our soul is calling us to do.

This is what shame does. It stops us from living out our authenticity because we've created attached to our worth with our external world. Where we created beliefs that our worth and sense of value is determined by what is occurring in our external world and the people we’ve put on a pedestal say.

For example, when we've attached our sense of value to our productivity that we push ourselves towards burnout just so feel less guilty for resting. We go on a cycle where we shame ourselves when our body is clearly calling out for rest. This cycle of shame manifests in many ways like when we try to achieve certain things because we have attached this idea, that we will receive a particular need for example to feel happy about ourselves. When in reality we don't need that particular achievement to be happy because happiness shouldn't be our end goal to achieve things. We should be happy in moving forward in achieving our goals and using that particular energy to push through the challenges and lemons life gives us along the way.

This doesn't mean we should bypass our other emotions F*CK NO! This means that we shouldn't put in our goals 'to be happy'. Happiness is an emotion, which we feel so many in just one day and they are not permanent. It's unrealistic to expect ourselves to be happy all the time because that stops us from expressing and embodying our true authentic emotions.

Happiness should be our fuel to go after what we desire because we have the right and deserve to be happy and welcome in that sensation with ease, rather than making it our reward. We have the right to be happy and worthy now!

Worth & Shame

The definition of our value, worth, sense of self and emotions are not attached to anything or anyone, it's something we define within ourselves. What someone else finds valuable, might not be valuable to us. That's because we all have different sets of values, morals, ethics, perceptions, truths, and desires, not everyone will have the same. It's important to remind ourselves that; because many times people project their shame and judgements that lives and plays within their inner worlds to their outer world.

The majority of the time that's the reason how we got those seeds of shame in the first because someone in our external (someone we probably looked up to) unconsciously projected their internalized shame and judgement to us. Not knowing/having the knowledge and awareness at the times we created this blueprint that shamed and abandoned parts of ourselves in order to receive a need (example: to be loved, accepted, valued, included).

Shame stops us from living and expressing our bare and raw truths. Where we learnt to dim our light down, quieten our voice, turn down our sensitivity, just for others comfort. Because of those experiences, where we adapted shame, we’ve created fears and limitations that keep us in cycles of self-abandonment. It also stops us from living and creating a life we desire.

The Stem & Healing

Those narratives and thoughts we are aware of are the stems from the seed of internalized shame within our subconscious mind. There is a purpose on why we have suppressed that seed. It’s just the sheer fact that it brings forth discomfort when re-visiting the reasons why they’re there in the first place. Having to see it from a higher perspective and the lenses as our adult version, how we were treated as children, is daunting and uncomfortable. It brings up heavy emotions and memories, that we suppressed for good reasons, such as survival and keeping us safe and sane.

Providing compassion, love, empathy and pure forgiveness is what mend those parts of ourselves. Obviously, healing comes in layers. We don't generally forgive ourselves and those who have (intentionally or unconsciously) hurt us just like that. It takes time and process for our subconscious mind to catch up to the rewiring within our conscious mind. Rewiring our inner systems from the nervous system, mindset, behavioural patterning is not overnight work.

The way we heal the internalized shame we have is by determining what stems are coming out of those particular roots. What aspects of ourselves from the activities, habits, traits, mindset patterns, past experiences are we judging and shaming. Many times unpacking the stems allows us to get to the root cause of why it's there in the first place.

By acknowledging those stems we are bringing our awareness to it, which then puts us in a position to unpack them. You can download my free e-book "Alchiments Your Fear" which allows you to go through a step by step process of unpacking your stems. Alter the process for shame instead of fear.

a set of journal prompts you can use when unpacking shame within yourself:

Pick a specific part of yourself you’re ashamed of although would love to live out in your reality:

• Observe the emotions, thoughts, beliefs/narratives that come up for you surrounding this shame.

• Then reflect back to the times where this has come up for you. Dive into details of these reflections. Observe the emotions, narratives, that are coming up. Is there a pattern?

• Do have a recollection of when you had this pattern or particular fragment come up for the first time? If so when?

• Has it popped up in other areas (career, love, friendship, family, business) of your life, although a different texture but same root?
  

A gentle reminder that this process comes in layers. There be no set deadline where we will be 'fully healed', although a time where our triggers won't flare up anymore because we've worked actively and consistently to re-wire them from shame to self-acceptance. This just takes time and effort in creating, allowing time to teach us patience is also part of this process.

It's important not to rush our journey and progress. As much as we want to jump and leap towards the next cycle, believe it or not, each cycle we are on provides and equips us with the experiences and knowledge we need for the next cycles of our journey. Allow those discomfort and heavy emotions that we've stored and suppressed for so long, to be expressed and released allowing us to make room for new energies to welcome and embody.

Be patient, graceful and kind with ourselves as we unlearn and simultaneously learn new ways of living a life in alignment to who we are truly underneath the limitations, fears, propagandas, programmings and conditionings that made us believe we weren't worthy and valuable in the first place.

For anyone who is interested in working with me. I am launching a 1 on 1 coaching program in 2022 'The Shadow Blueprint’. Where I'll be assisting you in diving and unpacking the root causes of the challenges you are facing around your relationship with yourself. Click the link by signing up to our waitlist to have early access, discounts and bonuses for the program!

Sign up to our waitlist for The Shadow Blueprint Coaching Program here.

Much Love, Merichel

Be Kinder, Less Critical.

The Journey

Channelled messages about this journey called life. Mention of grief, healing and wisdom I’ve found along my journey.

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Without the journey, there is no destination. The journey is the path that leads us to our destination ie. our future. When we think about it the reason we end up where we are is because of the decisions and actions we take during the present moment ie. our journey. 

Whether we like it or not we control our life, our emotions, our perception, our beliefs, the actions we take, the decisions we make; we control our life. No one else does and there is beauty in that. The weight we feel is the responsibility of knowing we make the decisions and create a life we want for ourselves. I am not saying it’ll have no challenges, but following our hearts desires is something that leads us to the path of our most wholeness and highest. 

At times we don’t trust our hearts because of past experiences. Experiences that made us doubt the decisions we made when following our heart, although those same experiences taught us valuable lessons that assisted our emotional and mental maturity. Without those experiences, we won’t have the level of awareness and consciousness we have now. 

Our heart needs to have space to grief; grief the old life, versions and ways of living. Our heart is a vessel and portal to our wholeness and creating a life we were meant to live out; a life aligned to our authenticity. Grief looks different on everyone’s path. It’s about deciding what type of medicine works well for us individually and not pushing it on others; as one medicine might work well for us and for some, it’d do more harm than good. 

The journey of life is sacred because it doesn’t look the same for everyone. We all live out different and unique energy signatures and that’s how it’s suppose to be. We are not all meant to have the same seeds in our garden, we are all supposed to create one that is in alignment with us. We can only determine what is alignment because we are the biggest expert of ourselves.

Once we embody that concept we won’t constantly seek out validation from outside of ourselves and be swayed to being or doing what is not a reflection of who we are. 

To know who we are, we have to sit down with ourselves and get to know ourselves. Learn how our history (past experiences) impacted and influenced our moves in creating the version that we see in the mirror today. Healing is part of the journey and we don’t necessarily have to go through life-altering experiences to need to heal. It could be having to learn how to regulate our emotions as adults or letting go of insecurities about the relationship we have with our bodies and food. Those areas of our lives still impact our journey of following our hearts desires.

It’s important to hold space and give ourselves compassion and kindness while reminding ourselves that we move from the level of awareness and consciousness, we have at the time when making the decisions. It’s important to remember this because at times we can be our biggest bully and we can forget this concept very easily when the inner critic’s volume is cranked up. 

Hold grace for the times we just didn’t know and forgive ourselves for our past. It’s the part where we let go, not just for the other person (or the other side of the rope we’ve been clinging onto), but for ourselves too. Forgiveness frees us from the past and the emotions we have attached to it. Forgiveness comes in layers and it’s something we can’t force onto ourselves. It’s something we have to surrender to, meaning the emotions that are covering the ways to self-forgiveness is something we must go through. We can’t suppress them either or force ourselves to forgive when we’re not ready. 

Healing is all about providing the opposite experiences we are healing from. So when we are learning how to regulate our emotions, we can’t be suppressing them because to regulate them we have to become familiar with them. We do this by sitting with them, feeling them in our body and then naming them, so next time it comes up for us we know what is happening and how to act occurring.

Truth be told, I don’t think anyone knows what happens after this journey, we can theorise about it and create beliefs base on our theories although we’ll never really know until we meet ‘the end’ of the journey. 

So might as well live a life in alignment with our authenticity and know that we went after what we desire despite the fear, doubt and challenges we had. The journey is where it’s all at. It’s where we will always be. The destination is the destined future and the journey is the here and now. 

In this journey, the key is to let go of timing and the how’s of how life is supposed to play out. Learn to enjoy the process from X to Z and hold onto the lessons instead of the emotional reactions we experienced, because at the end of the day we can control our inner world more than we can control our external world. 

PS: Fear is always going to talk us out in not going after what we desire, although the key is to acknowledge the fear and move through it; take the actions we need to get us closer to our desires because we control and have power for our life. 

Like always, Be Kinder, Less Critical.

A List Of (my) Truths About Self-Love

The first few steps into loving our-self unconditionally are to admit our insecurities and where we lack love for our-self. This is where we have to begin. We have to be able to acknowledge the things that are no longer serving our highest good or our evolution.

At times we adapt beliefs, narratives, patterns, habits etc. base on survival mode. It doesn't necessarily mean it reflects who we are authentically. It's never easy having to face aspects of our-self that we've suppressed and rejected. It's uncomfortable sitting and unpacking our insecurities and our lack mentality. These are the challenges we face when we step into learning to love our-self unconditionally and just like any other challenges, we can overcome these.

The List-

IT'S A JOURNEY:

Loving our-self is not about the destination nor does it have to have a deadline or some sort of 'ending' to it. - In the context of healing and inner work, there is a need to remove timing and expectation on needing to be 'fully healed'. These types of expectations are the beginning to create the recipe for disappointment and unnecessary pressure. It's never about the destination anyway. The journey is located in the present moment and that's the moment that truly matters. That’s the only moment we are genuinely in.

OUR LIGHTS AND TOOLS:

The best ways to cultivate unconditional love is to be compassionate, loving, empathetic, nurturing, kind and forgiving towards our-self. - There will never be an amount of shame, judgement, hatred or rejection that will yield unconditional love. Those aspects are not needed when we are healing and reclaiming our power back. We must bring in the opposite experience we had to our reality to heal. Being loving, empathetic and kind towards our-self is a habit that becomes effortless the more we practise it.

(Side note: If you are having trouble providing these needs at this moment, begin with liking yourself and just hating yourself a little less each day. Begin spotting or listing all the things that went right instead of what went wrong. Practise listing gratitude each day and counting your blessings. - Train yourself to spot at least one blessing in your experiences or what you are grateful for.)

THE INFRASTRUCTURE:

Reconstructing our foundation and belief system doesn't happen overnight. - This process of reconstructing our inner world takes time and with timing, we do not control it. By focusing our energy on the things we do control such as our effort, work and patience we stand in our power and not give it to things that are not in our control. This is also a great way to remember that it's okay if we fall back to our old habits or behavioural patterns. Just because we fall back to old ways doesn't mean our progress has been thrown out the window. Breaking out of behavioural and thinking patterns takes time and cannot be done overnight. Practice patience not just towards the things we don’t control, towards our-self too.

GRIEF:

It's okay to let parts of personality and identity go as we learn to love our-self unconditionally. - Our identity is not set in stone. We can change them whenever we like. As we learn to view our-self from a place of love, we will begin to change aspects of our beliefs, narratives, patterns and conditioning. This will require us to let go of aspects of our-self that is founded in a lack mentality. This is where grief comes in.

Grief looks different on everyone and with grief, it has other emotions compiled on top or by its side. There is no wrong or right way to grief. Not everyone will resonate with how we grieve and vice versa. It's important to remind our-self that grieving is a part of healing. As we let go of the old and outdated perspective we must let go of versions of our-self that resonate with it.

THE BODY, KNOWS:

Our emotions are stored in our body too and not just the mind. - When we are letting go or healing our inner wounds there is a need to feel and sit with what's coming up for us. We have to be able to feel it in our body or at least welcome it in. This can come through as psychical sensation in an area of our body or as tears. Processing our emotion also doesn't have a deadline or timer set on them.

There are just times our emotions take time to process and be able to let go of the energy attached to them. Please welcome in compassion and empathy. Each time we process it, we gain a new level of perspective. Where we begin to view it through the lens of optimism.

A handy technique I recently learned was the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). It’s where we tap parts of our body as we say the negative emotion we are feeling in a form of a mantra. We say the negative mantra as we tap because it’s a way to welcome it into our body and feel it. Here is a reel of Kate an EFT practitioner explaining the benefits of using this technique. - Instagram Reel

Life will always have its hurdles to overcome, that's how life was constructed. Life also has polarities; we also experience wins and successes. Loving our-self is not all rainbows and sunshine. Having to remind our-self that self-love is not supposed to be perfect. It's supposed to be accepting our-self as we are.

We are not supposed to be perfect.

We are allowed to make mistakes, fuck up and learn from them. As that's all we can go if we've made a mistake. As long as we’re learning and continue to take the lessons instead of the expectations.

Don't feel as we have to be at a certain 'stage' or cycle in our journey. Trust your own timing, journey, evolution, growth and self. All this inner work simultaneously goes hand in hand. They are the puzzle pieces and each and one of them is as important as the next; as it requires to create the whole image.

Be Kinder, Less Critical.

Letting Go Of OLD Paradigm

Taken by Merichel Sanchez

Experiencing traumatic circumstances during our childhood creates a ‘dint’ within our mental, emotional and spiritual development. It can sometimes cause as to mature much quicker than other children or take on responsibilities that are not ours to carry. There are many different scenarios of what childhood trauma does to a person.

It will not look the same for everyone, which is normal. One of the best ways to heal and understand trauma for our selves is by educating our self on what happens with it. Understanding that trauma does not just stay in our mind, it also stores in our body. As the mind and the brain are connected through the nervous system.

-- The thing is with our mind, as soon as we process new information, the other information in our consciousness will make its way to our subconscious, eventually until we ‘forget’ about it. This is a way for new current information to be processed, learnt and adapted into our mind.
We might not even be aware that we are holding onto a belief, memory, emotion or conditioning that is rooted in our traumatic experiences. It does this thing where if we ignore it in one area of our life, it will manifest and shapeshift itself into other areas; until we can no longer ignore it.

Trauma healing is hard, daunting, uncomfortable and scary. I’m not going to sit here and create this illusion that it’s easy and glamorous or just love and light type of inner work. I can’t tell you how much times I’ve finished a box of tissue within all my therapy sessions. It’s this inside joke I’ve had with all my therapies because during the first couple sessions, I use to finish like 2 boxes of them in one session and toward the end, I’d only go through 5 sheets of tissue papers. This joke is so funny to me and it shows the process of what therapy does.

I use to cry when the question ‘who is Merichel?’ would pop up. This question was so daunting to me because I didn’t know who I was. The things that came to mind was the habits I participated in which was drugs, partying, sex and being mentally ill. I was the one that people would go to for advice and vent too, the ‘counsellor’ of the group. Those were the characteristics I believed made up of my identity.

The deeper I unpacked my traumas I realised that those roles and identities were trauma responses and the desire to escape reality through substance abuse, sex and partying had deeper roots and reasoning behind it; which was trauma. Same with mental illness, since I was a teen I’ve always dealt with mental illness and the idea of it not being embed with my identity was confronting. It's like who am I if I'm not that sad, depressed, anxious girl?

At the time the thought of unpacking my identity and the root cause of the behaviours I indulged in was scary. It was stepping into the unknown. It's the first awareness I had of the unknown. I didn’t know who I was outside of my trauma, my pain, illness and trauma responses, I had zero clues.

If I had the 2019 version of myself in front of me, I would embrace her and that's it. No word just embrace and acceptance for where I was at during that moment. Expressing enough gratitude and love I have for all the versions of myself that held pain and trauma; for believing that it was the way of living until something tragic would happen to me. A belief I didn't know I was holding on to at the time.

Facing my trauma and pain was the key to my self-awareness. No drugs, no ritual, no magic just simply facing and feeling my pain awaken my soul.

I began to stop listening to others and retreated to myself. Back to who I am naturally and who I am supposed to be. I went into solitude. I cut off communication with a lot of people that was rooted in trauma bonding and the ones that were one-sided and tended to myself and my own needs.

We get to a point in life that all the identities, roles, bandaids and short term fixes we use and chuck on, are no longer working. It losses its effect and then we are called to either find a harder fix or we go and see what we are running away from.

This is where many people spit up, some go within and some people look for something harder. This doesn’t make them a bad or toxic person, it’s just an example of what pain truly does to a person.

How pain can change someone to someone we can barely recognise today. -

It’s not selfish to tend to our wounds and fill our own cup, especially if we have been always been the ‘healer’ or ‘counsellor’ of the group. Sometimes the best thing we can do for all parties involved is to retreat and tend to our own needs. And those who are our true friends will understand this, they will not take it personally as they hold the same value and concept. For those who take offends to us catering to our own needs, they are not the people we are supposed to build long turn legacy or infrastructure with.

When we experience trauma (especially at a young age) our brain is wired to be in survival mode and constantly looking out for danger. This also means that we have created traits and characteristics base on survival, rather than authenticity. These responses and identities are what we go out into the world creating relationships and attachments with. When we embark on trauma healing, there is a need to let go of those identities we believed made us who we are.

As we free our self from embedding our trauma responses and pain within our identity the attachment we have created based on those versions of ourselves will no longer resonate when we begin to live out authenticity.

Sometimes people coming into our lives to teach as the lesson of who we are and who we are never going to be again and other times they reflect a fragment of our self that need acknowledging and healing. For that, we gratefully thank them for being a part of our journey and showing us the lesson we needed to ascend.

Most of the time we are called to take the lessons with us and have to learn to let the person go. Welcome, grieve in with open arms as we let go of the past versions of ourselves with kindness and compassion that resonated with them. Giving them thanks for having to assist us in overcoming challenges we thought we couldn't at the time. Letting them go with grace and forgiveness for teaching us the valuable lesson that ascending our soul and awareness.

Trauma is never something we asked for nor are we to blame. We do have a choice though, to either heal and grow from it or let it decay us and make us turn into a person we no longer recognise. -

Our past will never define and predict where we are going in the future or what we can accomplish. It doesn't define us nor is it a reflection of who we truly are. Healing is a journey, not a destination, having to let go of the idea that we can't reach content and peace in the present moment is an illusion. We can be at peace and content with our past and heal from it.

We can embark on a new beginning while healing, we don't need to 'fully healed' to be in a new cycle or embark on a beginning/journey. Let go of guilt for having the desire to move from a place of authenticity and higher vibrations. Don't feel bad for having outgrown people or certain versions of our self, instead embrace the change that is we are being lead to.

Enjoy this paradigm shift and transformation that is occurring internally and in our external world. Trust our own process and begin with loving and nurturing our self in the smallest way each day; as those efforts build up to something bigger.

Be Kinder, Less Critical

The Journey Of Self-Loving

Loving our self unconditionally is a journey and it’s a term that has been thrown out a lot in the recent days. Although loving our self unconditionally isn’t as easy or as glamorous as it sounds. 

When we have adapted to loving our self through the conditioning of fear base foundations, having to reconstruct that causes a tower moment. It’s where we have to tear down our infrastructure back to the foundation to change it to a place of unconditional love. Having a foundation that is fear base will also reflect not just the relationship we have with our self but also those around us and other external factors within our outer world. When we begin to move from a place of unconditional love, we are prompted to let go of those or things, that we are no longer an alignment with.  

By learning to love our self doesn’t necessarily start with love, it usually starts from acknowledging and embracing. What I mean by this is when we acknowledge the relationship we have with our self in the present moment, we embrace who we are now and rather than creating illusions and deception on how we honestly feel and see our self. 

Accepting and embracing where we at in the present moment is key; by doing this we are removing the illusions we have covered our self with. We have to learn and begin somewhere, it is okay to not move from a place of unconditional love, just yet. 

Begin with simply getting to know our self; what sparks that flame of passion and peace within us? Finding those fragments that create those spark is key. This will look different on everyone, as not everyone will have the same fragment of flame. It’s important to solely focus on what makes us passionate and peaceful. Detach from other’s expectation and pressure to be a certain way. 

We shouldn’t mould our self for others comfort while we stay small and uncomfortable. Those who fear or judge our light are not the people that are aligned with us. 

The thing is, from centuries of unconscious conditioning from society and family, we have moulded our self to someone who's (might) not an alignment with who we are naturally. We have the nurture side of our self, which is how we were brought up and how our family loved us. Then we have our nature side, which is who we are authentically, underneath all the social and family conditioning. -- As I’ve mentioned before, we have been unconsciously conditioned and it’s not just our current generation, but also the past and the one before that and so on. 

Realise that our society has been on these cycles for many years now. That each and one of us, past and present generations have broken certain cycles within our bloodline or society; that we have been ascending throughout the centuries. We have changed as a collective and we will continue to do so. The thing is we cannot demand change from others when we, our self haven’t done the change our self. And by ‘change’, I mean living a life aligned to who are by nature. We do this by stripping our self from all the social and family conditioning that is holding us back from living a life full of passion and peace. -- What may be authentic to us, might not resonate or be authentic for others. It’s needing to ground our self in that concept that we all came here to experience this human life and we all have different and unique souls, which will alter our experiences to what our soul needs to further evolve. - 

The beauty of this experience is that we all reflect a part of our self of one another. Those reflections are just a way to enhance our self-awareness and get in touch with our wholeness. Each fragment being reflected back at us is an opportunity to accept or deny them; when we deny them, we deny a part of our self too. We are allowed to begin to love and accept our self, from all angles of the spectrum and polarity of life. 

We have to be able to look at our self from an honest place. We have to admit to the bitter and sweet truth of it all. Not all truths are comfortable, although we do have to start somewhere. It’s okay not to love our self unconditionally just yet, we live in a world that profits from our insecurities and puts us on a cycle of internalised shame. 

Loving our self is not a one day trip we take, it’s a 24/7 journey we are on. We can not separate our self from our self, there is nothing we can do about that. The relationship we have with our self is the model for other relationships we have. If we have blueprints and programming base on self-abandonment and people-pleasing, then we go on a cycle of abandoning our needs and self to feel a sense of belonging or love from others. It’s where we go on a cycle of chasing and running after those who reflect that fragment of our self or will take advantage of that part of our blueprint. 

Loving our self is not something we can buy off eBay or Amazon, it’s more than reading self-help books and reciting affirmations, it’s having to look within and do the inner work and the root cause of the reason why we feel unlovable or unworthy. It’s removing those barriers to feeling love, acceptance, worth and validation form our self. -- In this process, it requires as to heal parts of our self and reclaim fragments that we have suppressed or deemed unworthy or unlovable. 

Loving our self has cycles and process within the journey, which goes hand in hand with other areas of our life. It’s having to be nurturing, be patience and kind with our self as this is not a one day trip we take. It’s something we overcome every single day. And there will time where we feel like we are on top of the world and other times, we feel as if we back to square one, although there will also come time and day where we begin to see that we are no longer the person we were from our past; the one who moved from a place of self-abandonment and believing they were unworthy. 

Until that day comes, keep continuing to Be Kinder, Less Critical. 

Out With The Limiting Habits & In With The Expansion Of Our Self

The truth about looking within is, it’s not easy; it’s challenging, hard and uncomfortable. When we begin, to have the desire to want to know the deeper meaning to life, our purpose and why the hell we are here? We begin on the path of self-awareness. To answer these questions, we have to look within. We have to observe and reflect what we have going on within and who we are. 

In the early stages, we will come to see that we have wounds, hurt and pain we have yet to acknowledge; those aspects that live within us that affect our day to day lives. In this stage, we are not sure why we hold certain things that have happened to us so closely when they’ve caused us pain. Questioning our self is a step to self-awareness and having to unpack the reasons why we engage with certain behaviours, habits or patterns is stepping towards that direction. 

Although there’s a polarity to this process, it’s when we question our self to the point we doubt our self. Whether it’s our worth, the experiences we had, our emotions and overall knowledge. Those moments when we doubt our self is from a self-limiting belief. Where we might hold a belief that we are not smart enough, worthy enough and just not enough. 

Those beliefs we hold have been embed within us, meaning that they are unconscious. Just like how we walk, talk or eat, those habits are something we do not need to think about, rather they just happen with no effort put into it. That’s similar to how our belief systems work within us. There are times we follow a pattern, belief and narrative about our self without being consciously aware of it at all. 

This is something we realise when we look within, as we question our self we will have things revealed and come to the surface on the blueprint we have created about our self. This isn’t to say that it’s a bad thing it doesn’t re-surface, we just have to follow our own process.

The belief system we have built-in with our blueprint has become a habit for us, that thinking pattern or that narrative we tell our self has been an automatic response. Breaking out of habits that are no longer useful or assisting us, is not always the habits we do in the worldly plane, sometimes they occur within our mind. 

Below I have listed strategies and tools of how to break out of a thinking pattern, belief, or narratives and the inner critic within us. Also how and why our brain focuses on the negative rather than the joyful events. 

These strategies and tools are something nobody can do for us, its something we have to do for our self. The thing with inner work is nobody in the world can do the work for us as we are the biggest excerpt of our self. 

How Our Brain Are Wired:

Our brain priorities survival over happiness or joy and that is why it’s important to choose gratitude and optimism, over the negative things occurring within our life. Our brain does this because it’s a way to keep us safe. It’s build to remember and focus on all the negative things because it then creates a pattern, where if we were faced with those similar experiences that we have categories as negative or bad, it will keep us from going forwards to those experiences.

Example: If we go through a bad breakup and get our heartbroken, we’ll categories that falling in love or getting into a committed relationship is dangerous because of what happened last time. Which then gets us to avoid that type of deeper intimacy/commitment.

Our brain creates neural pathways that strengthen over time depending on how frequency we use that pathway. Example, with thinking patterns, when we are frequency stressed over the little things, that neural pathway will be stronger compared to a pathway that is about letting go. Over time the less we use that pathway that requires us to let go, the function of it declines/gets weaker.

 Example: Our biceps, if we were to just do leg workout and neglect our arms, then obviously the leg muscles will be bigger than our arms. - That’s similar to the neural pathways we’ve created. The more we use them the stronger they are.

So if we are constantly in the state of negative thinking patterns, obviously that part of our brain will be overstimulated and more connected to our nervous styles. Which get us to be more prone to anxiety, stress, depression and lower states of frequency.

One profound thing about our brain is that it can reconnect and create new neural pathways during adulthood, which called neuroplasticity. This term pretty much means that when we create new experiences that have higher vibrational frequencies attached to them such as optimism, joy, happiness, contentment etc. we create new neural pathways. Although we have to continuously create and participate in experiences that give us those high vibrations so that, the neural pathway will get strong and (example) the one with the negative thinking pattern will decline. This is a way of rewiring our brain away from anxiety, depression and lack of self-love.

Insight: It’s important to know that our thinking patterns are done out of habit. We have to be more aware of them so we can interrupt and question them. As we question them we are creating a new experience, which gets us to break out of these patterns. By replacing them with compassionate, self-accepting mantras we are re-wiring our brain to operate from that place.

Breaking Out Of Negative Thinking Patterns:

Unpacking A Thinking Pattern:

• Pick a thinking pattern that is not helping your ascension/expansion of consciousness/self-worth. This can be a belief or narrative you follow and re-plays in your head.
  (Example; black and white thinking - “She looks so good in that dress. I’m so ugly and can’t ever look that way.” Or “They pick it up so easily and I can’t, I’m such a failure.")

• Unpack and dismantle your focused thinking pattern by questioning it:
  - What evidence do I have for this thought to be true?
  - What evidence do I have that it isn’t?
  - Is this accurate?
  - Is it mirroring my reality?
  - Has there been a time where I’ve had this thought and it didn’t come true?
  - Is that belief realistic or an illusion?
  - What would I tell someone who is having these thoughts?
  - What emotions am I feeling when these types of thoughts come up? Am I sad, angry, or anxious or the other spectrum, happy, content, or joyful?

Strategy/Tool:

JOURNALLING-
Begin journal if you haven’t already. Use the questions in the section above to go deeper within you. – One thing I love about journaling is, I can see it clearly and in the 3D, rather than just in my mind; where it can get tangled up. And also journaling is like a way of record keeping. In 6-month time, you can look back at your journal and see for the self the improvement you have achieved internally.

GRATITUDE-
Practice daily gratitude, towards the things that are working and the things we genuinely grateful for. This can be as simple as having all our body parts working and not needing assistance to move around, having a roof over our heads or having a variety of options of food. 

Begin embedding gratitude to your day to day life. 

• When you wake up and before going to bed list 5 things you are grateful for.

• When you’re feeling low mood, shift your energy towards the gratitude by listing things; in your head, out loud or journaling. 

MANTRA/AFFIRMATION- 
Mantra and affirmations can be used when interrupting our thinking pattern at the moment if we don’t have the time to unpack it right there and then.

ACTIVITY:
Creating Your Own Mantra; create a mantra that you can use for the specific thinking pattern/belief/narrative that you’re breaking out of. OR look one up.

F.E.C.K (Forgiveness, Empathy, Compassion and Kindness) - 
This acronym is also a great way to interrupt our thinking pattern and create a new internal dialogue within us. It doesn’t have to be in this sequence, the main key is to give these to our self. Having to be compassionate and kind to our self is not as easy as it sounds for many, although its those baby steps we have to take towards that direction. 

Having to be kind for the day we are not feeling our self or having a low level of mood, or being compassionate for the times we don’t have energy or materials to give out to those around us. It’s having to understand that we are human and we make mistakes and we’re not perfect.

The key is giving our self a huge F.E.C.K - Forgiveness, Empathy, Compassion and Kindness.  

We should also learn to let go and remove the expectation to have attached to our self to be a certain way to receive acceptance, love or recognition. Those expectations create pressure that necessarily do not need to be there and it also causing more harm to our health. 

This concept also goes with letting go of expectations we have attached to people. We have to let go of ALL the things we can not control and that includes people. There is no moment in time we ever had control over people, it’s a form of an illusion. To control people we have to manipulate them and that will always cause more harm and suffering that any good; not just towards the person being manipulated but the manipulator.

A huge part of any inner work is learning what and when you do not have control over something and then be able to let go and shift your focus onto something you can control.  – This again is a habit that takes time to learn and embedded within our way of thinking.

More Insight: Thinking patterns are habits that we have gotten used to overtime. They can be unconscious most of the time and we aren’t even aware of them because they are so embedded within us.

It’s important to grasp that any habit takes time to break out of. It takes work, effort, patience and time. Those three-aspects work, effort and patience are something we can control, and although with time we never did. We don’t receive a stamp date of when a habit will be no longer present. There is just a time that comes where we react differently to a situation, that we would have acted out from that particular thinking pattern although, with the work, effort and patience we have cultivated, it comes effortlessly to react differently.

This requires us to create new experiences not just externally but internally too. As our thinking patterns are within us.

Be patience with our self and don’t compare our process and life in general with others. 

Comparison is a bitch and will create an illusion that will block us from seeing the greatness that lives within you. Trust YOUR OWN process as learning to love your self is not an overnight thing. It’s a process that we are constantly on and will never end; because loving our self meaning we are continuously learning and expanding our self-awareness.

Before we can see our worth and love within us, we have to remove those limiting and lack beliefs, patterns and narratives that are blocking us from seeing the true beauty, power and worthiness that we have within us. That we have always been enough and worthy no matter what versions of our self didn’t believe so.

Be Kinder, Less Critical

NEUROPLASTICITY by: Merichel S.
(Blue = Depression || Purple = Anxiety || Orange/Yellow = Joy/Optimistic)

My Story

I’ve been through heavy and f*cked up situations and I still manage to be here today. I still manage to be kind, full of optimism and life. It wasn’t an easy journey and it wasn’t a walk in the park, it was hard, confronting and uncomfortable as f*ck. 

I’m sharing my story because I want to and my story isn’t about the detail of the abuse, because that is not mine to tell. My story is about how I overcame a trauma that bonded and held me, prisoner, in my own mind for years. 

I am a survivor of sexual abuse. Growing up I was ashamed of what occurred to me. I held on to the belief that it was my fault and that I could have done something to change it or stop it. I grew up with that shame and it manifested itself in many ways and all areas of my life, through platonic and romantic relationships, career, my relationship with myself and my family, academic abilities and the way I moved in life. 

Childhood abuse creates so many distortions and illusions within our self, the world and those around us. It creates filters that are based on shame, hate, judgement and pain. Filters that we go out into the world and use, the same filters we use to cultivate relationships and go after what we want. Although with trauma being the main foundation it’s distorted and usually isn’t what we truly want underneath all of it. -

Trauma healing is not something that we overcome in a certain period of time, it's a gradual process that has its own layers and cycles to it. Each cycle is as important as the next, each of them has lessons, fragments and new experiences we get to taste and reclaim. Trauma healing is reclaiming fragments of our self, as trauma gets us disconnected from our self.  

In my experience in healing it wasn’t necessarily talking about what occurred during the abuse. I spoke about the emotions attached to it, how I felt and how I adapted to my trauma. I spoke about my behaviours, habits, thinking patterns, my belief systems and the narratives I followed about myself and the world around me. -- In order to break out of these patterning and conditioning we have to talk about it and feel it without having to escape them. -- During certain cycle within my healing journey, I was called to quit weed and drugs overall. At the time I wasn’t sure why and I couldn't pinpoint it, although now reflecting back it was because I needed to feel the emotions that were coming to the surface for me. Like I've stated, in order to let it go, we have to feel it and welcome it to our body, especially if we have been repressing them for many years.

Each of our emotions is there to tell us something and give us a sense of awareness. It’s there to guide us. Our emotions are not our enemy, there are there to help us gain self-awareness. 

Trauma healing is not easy and it definitely put me out of my comfort zone. I grew, matured and changed a lot during the process of healing. I mean I’m still healing and growing now although it’s a different level and a new cycle I’m on. It also put me in on a path of spiritual awakening, which I didn’t even know was a thing. 

I’ve learnt that I didn’t have control over my childhood and those around me. I had zero control over people and as a child, I was not to blame. Having a full-grown adult take advantage of someone’s innocents, vulnerability and pure-hearted soul is pure evil. We don’t have to try and comprehend or justify someone’s evilness, we can accept that someone people are just evil and it is what it is. With justifying it or coming with a conclusion does not make it any less wrong, it’s still f*cked up.

From that, I’ve learnt that my story isn’t about being abused, it’s how I’m overcoming it. How I’m still a kind, pure-hearted and optimistic ball of energy, even if I had seen and lived through evil at a young age. I’m taken my power back, found enlightenment and creating a new pave way that isn’t going to mirror my childhood or upbring. 

What occurred during our childhood and upbringing is not for us to continue to carry, we are allowed to put it down and let go of the burden. The burden of shame, guilt and pain. We don’t need to carry them in order to be a strong person. We are strong as we are, having to experience childhood abuse and still be continuing with life is absolutely brave and take a lot sh*t tone of strength to do. 

We’ll all have different ways of processing trauma. It doesn’t make us ‘more broken’ or ‘damaged’ if we went on a different route of processing them. What we did during the times we didn’t know how to deal or had the right tools to deal with our trauma is not who we truly are. Like I’ve stated trauma creates distorted views on our self, where we follow beliefs and narratives that were founded from the traumatic experience. 

When we go on the path of trauma healing it’s pealing all of the illusions, distortion and facade we have created and brought out to the world. For this, we shouldn’t feel guilty about changing or having the desire to know who we truly are, without our trauma and misery being the main piece. 

Underneath all the trauma, pain and hurt are strengths, resilience and courage. It’s all there, it’s just having to peel off all the layers that have blocked us from seeing and stand in our power.


I will continue to tell my story of empowerment and enlightenment to be the example for those who are unsure if trauma healing is for them. I can’t express the gratitude and pride I have for myself for overcoming certain obstacles and seeing the result of the work, effort and patience I have put in. Like I’ve stated it was not a walk in the park, it was a very steep and rocky hike. Although, very worth it because of the view. 

We all have cycles and processes we go through and not all of them have a pleasant view on the side. Some are hard and times we want to give up, although we choose not too, because it’s never been an option to give up. One thing trauma teaches us is resilience. Tap into that inner power of resilience and it’s our golden gem through life. No matter what lemons we get chucked at, we’ll keep going. We might stop to have a good cry or take a break, although we get back up and keep f*cking going. 

No matter what we have gone through in the past don’t let it define our future and who we are and want to become. Our past is a set reality and we can not change it although our future is the complete opposite. It’s the unknown, the uncertainty and a lot of possibilities can happen within that space.

Take a leap of faith in yourself, you might be surprised what you’ll stumble upon on. 

Be Kinder, Less Critical

Addiction

DISCLAIMER***  These epiphanies and realisations are from my own experiences of overcoming addiction. - I am not a professional AOD worker (Alcohol and Other Drugs).
Take what resonates and leave out the ones that don’t.

---

Addiction is such a taboo topic. It's a topic that has many stigmas and prejudices attached to it. It comes from a lack of education and knowledge about the issue. With addiction, it isn't about being on the hardest drugs. It's about having pain and not wanting to feel it or know how to deal with it. 

Addiction isn't something we want to experience. It's not a conscious decision to want to be addicted and depend on a substance. They aren't always drugs either. Sometimes it's the chemical reaction we receive from a person, our thoughts, porn, food, gambling, gaming, social media or sex. 

Addiction comes from the sense of wanting control.

Addiction comes from seeking comfort away from our pain or hurts that is coming to the surface within our present moment. 

There are plenty of layers that are underneath experiencing addiction. 

There are plenty of challenges that someone who is recovering from addiction faces. Many people who suffer from addiction are hurting within. Not having the tools and the knowledge to deal with their hurt so they turn to self-medicating. With self-medicating it's a short term solution that has long term damages. We begin to depend on the substance to make us 'happy' or 'calm'. We begin to use it as an escape and begin to revolve our entire lifestyle to a particular substance or our addiction. We do not see the damage and effect it has on us or the people around us until we step back and detox. 

It's not an easy thing to come to term with this. Many also are not conscious of the pain they still hold that fuels their addiction. 

Addiction is something not to be ashamed about and never shame others for going through it. Shame comes from a lack of understanding. When we shame we become ignorant to the full truth. Somebody doesn't wake the next day and decide they'll be dependent on a substance for their livelihood. It's a gradual process that happens. Just like any mental illness, it builds up till one day we don't recognise our self anymore. 

Healing and recovering from addiction is difficult as it is and extra harder if we don't have the right support around us. When we have people who do not respect our decision to stop using and instead try to tempt us with the habits we are trying to break out of. That is a sign that the environment we are in is toxic and isn't aligned with where we want to go. 

The thing with addiction, the chemical reaction it gives over the brain is an illusion. The substances that are highly addictive 'mimic' the chemical reaction of dopamine. With that, it also hijacks our reward systems. Creating an unnatural fuel of dopamine. Over time the reward system begins to stop working efficiently, which gets us to need to increase the use of the substance. We then begin to depend on it to feel 'happy' or a sense of 'calm'. 

A substance or habit becomes an addiction when we revolve our lives around it. When we need it to have fun or function in our day today. When we depend on it for our sense of happiness and contentment. When we overspend and only focus on fueling that substance or habit we have. When we begin to create any excuse to part take in the habit or substance. Those are many indications that we are experiencing addiction. - Although we can look at all the signs and symptoms that come with it. The main thing that we need to address is the root of it. 

Finding the root cause of why we feel the need to escape and depend on a substance or habit to fuel our happiness and a sense of livelihood is important. That is because when we tackle and unpack the root cause of anything issues we create an ending for the cycle we were on. We can focus on the healing the root causes, rather than just tackling the stems that come off it. - This should be done simultaneously. 

Handling the stems could be creating a barrier that would make the substance or habit hard to access. That could be letting go of people who do not respect our boundaries, cutting ties with the connection we have with that particular addiction and being open to healing. - It's also important that we seek professional help with addiction. That we are not alone on this journey. It's important to know that we don't get 'in trouble' when speaking about addiction to counsellors. The only time we get 'in trouble' is if we are endangering our self or others around us. Counselling is private and confidential, they are not allowed to speak of the sessions unless we permit them. And even then they have to ask before giving it out (unless it's a court order or we are endangering our self or others). 

Healing and recovering our addiction isn't an overnight thing. It's a process and a journey. A journey that will have its ups and downs. A journey that will put us on a path of self-love and acceptance of ourself and our past. 

Addiction is running away from the present moment. We run away from the present moment because we have unspoken things we are carrying from the past. Some of those things are heavy and hard to speak about. Then, there are some things we carry that we are not even aware that we are still carrying till this day. Our psyche is such a complex muscle within our body and it's the main control in our body system. We have very limited access to parts of our psyche. There is a lot of information hiding and being covered because they are in our subconscious and the collective unconsciousness. 

Many of our problems and issues in the present moments stem from something that has happened in our past. Some sort of conditioning and blueprints we have been carrying that affects the way we move and see the world, others and our self. These filters determine the decisions we make in life. - Healing is a huge part of recovering from addiction. We have to tend, acknowledge and embrace the parts of our self that are calling out to see through our addiction. 

It's not an easy concept to come to term with, it's daunting, uncomfortable and hard. Especially having to let it go and face what we have been trying to run away from. 

During the present moment, we will have temptations and desires to go back to old habits. Although with the healing and inner work we do on our self we can cut off those temptations and desires. It's not going to be easy, although it is doable. - Healing our addiction from the root cause creates a long term effect. Our future self will be proud of the actions and sacrifices we did in the present. 

In the present moment, when we are healing our self do not be harsh, judgemental or hateful. Like I have stated people do not wake up one day and decide they will depend on a substance. - Being more open with our struggles such as addiction removes stigmas. It removes the idea that people made a conscious choice to experience addiction. We all have gone through some rough circumstances and experiences that have altered our sense of self. 

The thing is the past is something we can not change. It doesn't matter how much we duel on it or repress it. It's happened and it's a set reality that can not be altered or changed. Nobody in the world can change the past. -

Believe it or not when we begin to accept the past for exactly the way it is; without shame or judgment, we begin to see that certain experiences we have gone through as something valuable. Maybe at the time we didn't see it nor did we even think it was something valuable. Although when we let go of the judgement and shame we have for ourself and the past, we will begin to see the blessing in disguise or the silver linings within them. 

If we think about a certain event or experience that we didn't go through, it would create a butterfly effect. Where our entire life would be different from how it is now and as well as those around us. -

If we are not happy or pleased with where we are in the present, we can change that. Nothing is ever permanent. It's not going to be constant rainbows and sunshine although the changes we embark in, to invest in our future will be worth it. Our future always becomes our present moment one way or another. - We shouldn't be constantly chasing the future or wanting to escape our present moment. We deserve to be able to sit within the present and enjoy it. We all deserve peace, contentment, healing and acceptance from within. Being able to feel contentment and optimism in the present without having to imagine it in the future. Contentment and optimism is something we can achieve within our present moment. 

Healing our self is the best investment we can give our self. We give our self the chance to live in the moment, to not be clouded from our past and to see clearly. - Healing is part of life. We have gone through circumstances and experiences that have chipped away fragments of our self. It is what it is. Some of those circumstances and experiences we had zero control over them. Although the beauty in healing is reclaiming those fragments that were chipped away from us. No matter how deep or fair those fragments are we can still reclaim them. Healing is the bridge for those fragments. We can reach and reclaim them as we heal. - 

It’s much easier said than done about recovering from addiction. Giving our self the forgiveness, empathy, compassion and kindness is an important part of recovery. A reminder that we can’t change the past as much as we want. We just can’t, it’s one of those truths that can be hard to swallow. Although we can learn to let go by healing and recovering the reasons why we feel the need to escape. 

Be kinder to ourself as we are all trying to just get by and figure life as it comes. Most journeys are not something we can achieve overnight. It takes time, effort, work and patience. We are all on a different path and journey and it’s not something we should compare with one another. It’s never been a competition. Focusing on our inner world is not selfish or self-centred. WE all have a desire to be understood, so why not learn to understand ourself?  

Image from @sobrietycards

BE KINDER, LESS CRITICAL

INNER WORK

Inner work is about healing, mending, unpacking, embracing and letting go. Many things come with inner work. Inner work takes honesty, accountability, empathy, compassion, embracing and learning or unlearning. 

Inner work is not glamorous. This is a stage where we unpack certain beliefs, narrative and past trauma or experiences that still holds so much weight with us in the present. - Are we really living in the present if we are still holding the weight from the past? 

When we are healing we are doing the inner work. There is no healing without the inner work. They both come hand in hand. 

There is this misconception that when we decide to heal our self that we are somehow ‘broken’ or that something isn’t ‘right’ with us. When in reality we are not broken it’s just, we have gone through certain circumstances that have broken our spirit, a secure self and repressed fragments of our true authentic self. The narrative that we are ‘broken’ or a ‘lost cause’ is some of the type of self-limiting beliefs and narrative we tell our self, which is from a lack of love for one self. -

Healing requires us to unpack and dig through our self from an honest and understanding perspective. When we go towards healing with judgments, shame or hatred that is not going to work out, it will only create more need to heal. When we tacking and unpack the fragments that require healing we need to move forward with empathy, compassion and understanding. As those are some of the tools we need to embrace and give the parts of our self that have been judged, shamed or in pain. 

The reason why many of us have ‘broken’ fragments is because of hatred, judgement and shame in the first place. So why and how would more shame, judgment and hatred be healing? 

Healing and inner work is not a competition. Nobody gets a gold medal or is there a finish line. Healing and inner work is a constant job we do throughout our life. We just begin to alter the word of healing and inner work. We get to a point in the process that we see that healing and inner work become learning and setting the example. That we go through experiences in each of our cycles and process which gets us to unlearn or learn some more as our consciousness and soul evolves. - There is no ending to healing or inner work. It is something we do throughout our life if we have a desire to grow and evolve. -

In a simpler definition of healing and inner work, it’s to evolve and expands our consciousness and soul. There are layers that come with healing and inner work. Sometimes we have to unpack a certain layer before we can go deeper. An example; we’d have to dive into our consciousness before trying to see what’s lurking around our subconscious. Because our psyche is in layers, we can not expect to get information from our subconscious if we do not even what is going on within the conscious part of our psyche. - That is why healing and inner work comes in layers and has their processes and cycles. 

Inner work is something we can not do for others. We can not process others emotions, traumas, circumstances or do the healing and feeling for them. That is not how it works. Inner work and healing is an individual job that requires someone who consciously decides to heal. There are process and cycles we go through with our own healing and inner work. It will not look the same for everyone and it shouldn’t. As we are all have had unique and different experiences here on Earth. It’s not about comparing or sizing up one another’s personal growth or evolution. It’s called personal for a reason. - 

Nobody is a better and more reliable source than our self. It doesn’t matter how long person X, Y or Z have known us. The version or image they have created about us are not our responsibilities. We can not control others perceptions or emotions that is something we will never have control over. It shouldn’t change the fact that we will continue to heal, grow and evolve even though others have outdated versions of us in their minds. That is not our responsibility or our job to fix. Those perceptions of us are their business and reflect their own evolution and growth. - That is something we can not control.

When we begin to get fixated with controlling others or anything that is out of control we will begin to feel anxious and out of balance within our self. Even trying to control how others should view us, is a waste of time and energy.

This type of behaviour is a way we give our power and energy away. When we grasp the concept that we shouldn’t focus too heavily on things we can not control and with that, we can begin to learn to let go. Letting go is an important skill to have throughout our life. If we do not learn how to let go, will go on and continue to hold on to things or people that no longer serve us or is no longer as important as they use to be. Causing more pain and hurt for our self.  - 

The idea of letting go frightens people and there could be many various reasons. For me personally, it’s the idea that something has ended. Although what I’ve learnt is that every ending have a new beginning. That’s how the Universe works. Sometimes we have to put something to bed in order to begin something new within or our external world. 

Many people like to hold on to the illusion that they can control everything and everyone if they ‘behaviour’ or ‘act’ a certain way. Although we learn throughout life that is not how it works. That we have very little control of many things outside of our self and that includes people. When we begin to try and control everything and everyone we lost our self in the process. As we have to live out a persona and a facade to keep a certain illusion up afloat for others to be ‘controlled’. This is a manipulation tactic, we do not really control others we are just simple manipulating them. But then again because we are manipulating our self to be a certain way to ‘control’ others perception about us or a circumstance etc. We are not playing others, we are playing our self. -

With inner work, we can unpack these types of actions and behaviours by digging into the root cause of it. We can not just look at the stems that come with our conditioned behaviours. We have to find where it began, so then we can ‘pull it out’ so there are no more stems that come out of it. -
There is no easy way around or out of inner work, it is something we can choose to do for our self. We can get others to do it for us although that will not have a large or longer-term impact and it’s selfish. - When we expect others to do our inner work for us when we can not even do it for our self, that is selfish. Especially if we haven’t even given it a shot or a try. - We do have free will for a reason. We can choose to go within or continue to seek outside of our self. 

We have to make a conscious decision about doing our inner work. There is no quick fix to do inner work. There is no substance or a person in the world that can create a divinity of an impact within us but our self.

Facing our pain, hurt or traumas that hold such a huge impact on us (whether we are aware of it or not) is daunting and in a sense frightening. When we go through life holding on to our pain, hurt and trauma which has created our ‘personality’ and a way to relate to others, it’s hard to let go because it means we have to find our self outside of those ‘personalities’ and personas. - Hopping on the train of inner work isn’t just unpacking and digging through our past and experiences. It also has a new beginning that comes with it. Which is the new beginning of a new ideology of our self. Finding who we really are underneath all the pain, hurt and traumas we have endured throughout our life. It’s the new beginning of authenticity and fulfilment, which we all deserve. Healing and inner work is the beginning of authenticity and fulfilment. 

By doing the inner work and healing ourself we go through the process and the cycles that the past is the past. That no matter how much we fixate and retell stories about it, it’s over. When we give so much of our power and energy to a reality that is no longer even in the present or near our future it blocks our own blessings and manifestations. - In the process of our healing we have our set timelines and no one is going to have the same. A reminder that we all run on different schedules with Divine timing. Each and one of us will have a different process and cycle of healing. DO NOT compare our process and cycles to others as that is not how it works. - 

It’s called inner work for a reason. 

The tools we do all use in our own process and cycles are honesty, accountability, empathy, compassion, embracing and learning or unlearning. Those tools are how we are going to find unconditional love within our self that has been repressed. Either way, those tools are the key and light when going within. Never forget to bring those tools and light with us when going deeper within our self. And each time we dig deeper we will find new tools that will help ascend and evolve our consciousness and soul. There is no finish line between healing and inner work. Although every ending ALWAYS has a new beginning. -

From someone who has gone through a large amount of healing and inner work, I say all this with love. I do. - These are the wisdom and knowledge I have found within me that’s very collective. I know how hard and confusing it is in the early stages of healing. It’s draining and almost feel as it’s a waste of time. Although the efforts and work we put into our healing and our self are extremely rewarding. It’s something no one can give to us or take away from us. When we begin to see our worth and find unconditional love for our self, that is the most precious gift and investment we can give our self. 

I never thought I’d love or accept myself the way I do now. Healing and inner work are not rainbows and sunshine at all times. It is daunting, uncomfortable and scary. I say this not to frighten people but because I do not want to give false expectation to others who do decide to heal. I do not want to create illusions within people that healing isn’t supposed to be scary or uncomfortable, because of it. The biggest growth and epiphanies we have is from the things that scare us the most. No growth or evolution ever happened within comfort zones. There was always a level of discomfort. Trust and become aware of our own process and cycles, as we all have one. Be open to feeling discomfort while healing and ascending because that’s where the real magic is.

Sometimes the new beginning we ask for is within our self first. It’s like that saying ‘as within, so without’. 

BE KINDER, LESS CRITICAL

Created by: Merichel Sanchez

Learning to Trust Ourself

‘Mending the heart’

Trust is an important part of any type of relationship. Without trust, it’s a weak and unstable foundation. Not only do we have to trust others, but we also have to trust ourselves. Having a weak and unstable foundation of trust within ourselves create a refection of those same foundations to our external world. Where we will abandon ourselves to be accepted, validated or loved. We get to a point in life where those facades, masks and persona’s we’ve created to receive a need will not cut it. Meaning that the feeling of emptiness and loneliness we were trying to run away from begins to creep back in or having to experience the worst type of loneliness; feeling alone in a room full of your loved ones.

Having abandoned ourselves for many years, it takes time to learn to trust ourselves. With learning, there are process and cycles we go through. Life isn’t straight forward and we get thrown lemons along this journey. Which can be perceived as a ‘bad thing’ although when we change our perception and see those ‘bad things’ are an opportunity to grow, evolve and a cycle to overcome the challenges that will better equip us to the next cycle of our life. Life has always had lemons, challenges or hurdles (whatever label resonates with you) the best way to equip ourselves is by learning to trust ourselves and the process we are on. The deeper we know and trust ourselves the less fear can talk us out or into things that are not in alignment with our path and soul. Embrace every moment we have, as we know that nothing is ever permanent and that everything and everyone is temporary. - Same goes with our current situations. 

TOOLS OF TRUSTING ourselves

• Accountability

• Compassion

• Validation

• Honesty

• Empathy

• Self Care

• Intuition

• Acceptance
  

When we begin to learn to trust ourselves it’s about holding ourselves accountable for the promises we made with ourselves. It could be as small as going to bed at a certain time or doing an activity to help us get started for tomorrow. Whatever it might be when we make a promise to ourselves and not follow through with it we are teaching ourselves that we can not be trusted. This is a process that comes hand in hand with actions. We need to match the words and promises we make with actions that mirror those. 

When we don’t match the action, it's not an opportunity to bully ourselves or talk down on ourselves. When we don’t follow through it just means there is learning to do with trusting ourselves it's not about failing or not being good enough. Learning to trust ourselves after years of self-betrayal is a process. It's a habit we have to get used to. 

Habits take time to learn and get used to grounding them in our day to day lives. It’s not about pushing ourselves to the point of burnout or shaming. It’s about understanding that the concept that habits take time, practise, effort and patience to mastering. Don’t diminish or brush off the efforts we have put on ourselves because we might not see the results, just yet. Like those efforts, build up to the point that hopping back on the saddle of a habit is going to be much easier to how it used to be. That is why time and patience are needed. Acknowledging this concept so we can let go of timing and surrendering to the fact we can only control our own actions and our entire being. 

Trusting ourselves comes with keeping the promises we've made to ourselves. Where we have overcome a certain obstacle and being able to maintain that promise we've made, long after overcoming it. When we make a conscious decision with the knowledge that isn't in alignment or going to do any good, it is self-betrayal. That is when we abandon a part of ourselves to feel a certain way or go back to a certain habit. When we do this it is showing ourselves that we can not be trusted. A part of learning to trust ourselves is being able to say no and stick to our words. It’s backing up those words with the way we move and take action in our lives. Sometimes words are not enough to prove ourself that we are trusted. 

Trust comes on many levels and it's a spectrum. Different levels come with trusting ourselves and others too. It's not a one way round. In the context of trusting others, it has to be a give and take. With trust comes loyalty and transparency. When we move from a place of dishonesty and a lack of loyalty it is a reflection of how we treat ourselves in those aspects. That is why learning to trust ourselves and being honest is important. How can we trust and be honest with others when we are lying to ourselves? With learning to trust ourselves comes with validating as well. When we take actions to build trust with ourselves, we have to also learn to validate ourselves. The funny thing is that many of us usually go to others to validate something we already want to do or know. Although, there are times if others do not agree with our inner knowing we tend to abandon it. - Unlearning this conditioning that we need others to validate our intuition and inner knowing, is important. It’s not about abandoning people closes to us, it’s about not letting others sway us in making decisions when our intuition tells us otherwise. 

Learning to trust ourselves comes hand in hand with healing, self-love and care. 

In the past, we have experienced betrayal and disappointment because we might have not listened to our intuitions or we are not sure what our intuition feels like. When this is the case it’s required to do Inner Child healing. As children, they have amazing intuition and are very in tune with theirs. If there are people around them who gaslight them or constantly project a lack of self-love for a long period of time (especially during childhood) those types of programming is what they will go out into the world. Where they were taught to abandon their intuition because they were being ‘too sensitive’, ‘crazy’ or made to believe that they were worthless. As they age and time progresses these programming will be so deep within their subconscious that they believe that is who they are. Which is far from reality. 

A part of trusting ourselves is being able to heal and reconstruct our own programming. With healing, it gets us to unpack those programmings and find the deep-rooted cause of them. Healing isn’t bypassing the cause by ‘forgiving and forgetting. Healing is acknowledging, embrace and tending to whatever we come across during the process of unpacking, for good or for bad. It’s being able to learn to accept the past although there is a process to acceptance. We have to feel it before we can accept it. When feeling the knowledge we have come across there are going to be epiphanies and realisation. Which then gives us the ‘missing puzzle’ or a push to head towards acceptance. 

Everyone's has gone through a certain circumstance that has cause heaviness that they still carry to this day. Whether they are consciously or unconsciously aware of them, it does not change the fact we still carry them. When we embark on healing and learning to trust ourselves, we get to see this concept. 

A reminder that everyone goes through similar experiences that will not hold the same outcome as someone else's. It might have the same outline of that experience, although it is never the same. With this concept, we have to come to terms that we can’t compare ourselves with others past, present or future. With this concept, we can stop comparing our lives, healing and learning journey with others. 

Each heaviness has different ways of healing. That is why nobody should compare their healing or experiences with others. - It is not a competition. It's never been a competition. Life, healing and our experiences are not something we receive gold metals on. There are no rankings at the end of our lives. It's just us and all fragments of ourselves. That is why we have to accept ourselves as a WHOLE. 

The truth is that; the only person we can never get rid of is ourselves. We can disconnect from ourselves. We were given a free will to chose, although disconnecting and escaping from ourselves only leads to fulfillments that do not last long. Fulfilments that are surface-level leaving our soul and Higher Self deprive and hungry.

Learning to trust ourselves comes with regaining the trust of our intuition and inner knowing. This is where healing comes in. There were moments in time where we did trust ourselves and intuition although due to outside circumstances that were not in our control. It got us in sticky situations and ‘hard times’. - As wild as this might sound, our Higher Self communicates through our intuition which gets us to move a certain way. Putting us through a circumstance that gets us to learn a valuable lesson. We then gain a new level of perspective and see that we go through certain experiences and circumstances to obtain a higher level of consciousness. Which comes with maturing emotionally and mentally. - Without those experiences and circumstances, we wouldn’t of gain those new perspectives. Sometimes we have to go through certain things so our mindset can be stretch to a point that we didn’t know was possible. When we go through certain things like this, giving ourselves compassion, understanding, kindness and empathy. - A reminder that we move from of a place of the knowledge and level of consciousness we are at those moments. 

Letting go of our intuition is when we abandoned our Higher Self. Our intuition is our Higher Self and that is how that part of ourselves communicates to us. The part of us knows things without having an explanation and it’s that feeling no one can explain although, just know it. That is our intuition; our Higher Self. This is a part of our being. Learning to trust ourselves is coming into union with our Higher Self. It’s learning to trust our inner knowing and intuition. It’s having to step out of the norms and creating our own path. Trusting that it will work out. That sometimes we just aren't meant to know where our present actions will lead us. Just hold on to the knowledge that we are learning and letting our Higher Self live out. 

Life is messy, we are messy and accepting that being human is messy. That nothing is perfect and that there is always an opportunity to grow, learn, evolve and change. It's just having to spot them and grab them for ourselves. And choosing to embark on toward those opportunities.  

BE KINDER, LESS CRITICAL

Inner Child Healing

Topics: Shadow Aspects, Reparenting, Feeling Multiple Emotions at Once, Blueprints and Programming and the Past. 

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 We can’t deny that we don’t have an Inner Child within us. We all have that part within us, it might just be repressed underneath all the experiences we went through as a child. That doesn’t mean it’s not there, it’s just buried under all the unhealed, unclaimed, neglected, abandoned parts of us that we haven’t faced.

The early stages of our life are our childhood. The first relationships we form are with our parents and family dynamics. Those are the baseline of our foundations not just in regards to relationships but also the way we view ourself, the world and how we move in life. In our early stages of experiencing life, we are dependant and relay on our parents for our livelihood. Nobody in the world had a choose of who our family are and the conditioning that was already set prior to our existence. There is never a ‘perfect’ childhood as nobody is perfect. Parents make mistakes as the majority of the time they are going along the learning process of raising a child. Which is fine and normal. It’s okay to make mistakes and trip up. As children, we didn’t get much choice, although as adults the beauty of it is we have more choices on how we should move forward in our reality. 

Some of us might have not had the best childhood and upbringing. We might have experienced the worst and shown how evil the world is at those early stages of our life. Those experiences that might still haunt as till this day. No child in the world had control over the parents or the family they were put in. It’s something no kid chooses and have NO CONTROL OVER. Same goes with the circumstance we experienced growing up, we had no control over those either. We were not ‘little adults’, we were children. We had barely experienced in the world. We didn’t know the full scope of the world we lived in. We were new and were only in the early stages of life.

In the early stages of life that is where we create and form our foundations, blueprints and programming to use in our adulthood. Which is a larger portion of our life, our childhood and adolescence are just a small part of it. Although just because it’s a small part does not mean it doesn’t hold its value. During our childhood like I’ve stated, those years are the creation of the foundation, blueprints and programming. Where in our adolescence years are the time we put those foundations into working. Where we begin to form relationships and a sense of who we are outside of our family dynamics. For the majority of people during those times, we are unconscious of the blueprints and programming we are following. As our adolescence years where we were finding our own bearings and trying out who we were. Our adolescence years are only makeup 7 years of our life. Those stages feel as they would last forever although they don’t. 

In the context of healing, we have to acknowledge those parts of ourself. That we didn’t experience the best case during the early stages of life. Which wasn’t our fault nor are we to blame. The circumstances either from our childhood or adolescence years created an impact of how we moved throughout our adulthood. Whatever the circumstances we have experienced that has caused us pain, hurt or trauma it deserves acknowledging. It doesn’t matter what those ingredients are, as everyone in the world deserves to have their pain, hurt and trauma acknowledge and tenderly cared for.  

As young children we didn’t have a choice nor can we do much about our past. It’s not about staying there. It’s about learning and creating a different perspective. We have a choice to take in all the negative and bad things we got out of our experiences OR we can reclaim the fragments that we had to abandoned or that were taken from us. Either way, we do have free will for a reason. We get to choose either to stay or evolve. 

 Having to come to term with the reality of our childhood will bring in grief. We will grieve and mourn the parts of ourself that never had the chance to live. The parts and experiences our Inner Child didn’t experience nor did they had the chance to. - Life can be unfair at times and it sucks, I’m not going to tell anyone who is reading this otherwise. Because it does, it’s heartbreaking and disappointing that we didn’t receive the love, nurturing, care or tending to as a child. That’s why grief and mourning is an important part of healing and reclaiming these fragment of ourself.

When we begin to heal and rip off the rose coloured lenses we’ve cast on our upbringing. We will feel all sort of emotions. Which is normal. Naming and identity what emotions we are feeling is an IMPORTANT process. When we identify, label and put a name on a certain heaviness we are feeling it makes it lighter. It gives that emotion an identification. It’s important to give our emotions identities and naming them. Because when we do this, next time it comes to resurface we are able to recognise it. We won’t feel confused or distress about why we feel the way we do. Once identifying the emotion we can find where it stems from which will lead us to the root cause. 

 This process isn’t an overnight work to do, it’s a process that is done gradually and at each individuals pace. We can not rush healing or we can push our emotions out. Those two aspects have their own cycles. We can not force to have something resurface from our subconscious because we want it too. It doesn’t work like that.

Personally, for me, I send out an intention to having any unhelpful or toxic pattering, blueprints, programming or foundations I still unconsciously follow to come to the surface. And then letting it go, meaning letting go of how it’ll come to me. I’ve set out the intention and that’s all I can do. -  Our access to our subconscious is very limited and quite difficult to get into. It has its own way of processing and dealing with information. It doesn’t operate the way our consciousness does. Most of the time when something comes to surface from our subconscious it comes in the form of triggers. As triggers are just alarm clocks from the emotions within our subconscious. It’s a sign that we need to address and reclaim something from within. 

When reclaiming our Inner Child, there is a need to re-parent ourself. We need these aspects of compassion, kindness, empathy and nurturing towards ourself first before we can give it to our parents and others. How are we supposed to provide an emotionally safe space for others when we are not able to do that for ourself? When we neglect to give ourself the emotional needs we require, we will feel some sort of resentment towards anyone who is asking to provide that space for them from us. It’s about pouring and tending to our own cup before trying to fill everyone else’s. 

An example of an Inner Child wound: When our Inner Child is abandoned, it creates a Shadow aspect from our wounds. Where will abandon and neglect parts of our own self to be accepted and loved by others. It’s this constant seeking of approval and acceptance from others because that’s is what we needed as a child. So then we create relationship dynamics that will mirror that lack so we can become aware of the patterning. Which will provoke a choice of changing and transmuting the patterning. Another example is the tendency to people please which stems from codependency. Where we have created narratives and beliefs that we have to attach a condition or a hidden agenda to be loved, accepted or valued in society or our relationships. These are just a couple of examples, everyone will have different types of wounds and how they impacted their own lives. Different types of wounds also create Shadow aspects within us. Each individual has different and similar upbringing although it’s never the same. Where it’s not identical by all the details or the way an individual perceives it. - From wounds ties in with types of pattering that we use to operate in our day today. These types of patterning are partly conscious and the unconscious part of it is the root cause of behaviours, actions, and habits. 

It’s hard to be aware of our own blueprints and programming when we lack knowledge of how our mind works. Our mind is like a computer system where we have to put in programs and blueprints for it to work. So it can operate smoothly and each programming as its purpose on why it’s in the system. It is similar to our brain it has to have programming and blueprints to follow to be able to maneuver in life. We don’t just choose to do something because ‘it feels right’,  there is a subconscious programming we are following. Most of our programming and blueprints are subconscious; we operate a certain way although we are not sure where an action, behaviour or habit is rooted from. - Those blueprints and programming were created in our childhood. When we lack the knowledge of the KEY information of our nature and the way we operate. Which then we become unconscious of all these parts of ourself,

 That’s why when reparenting we have to give ourself the compassion, kindness and understanding so we can give it to your parents. - We can feel more than one emotions. We are multidimensional beings meaning we can feel as many emotions as long as we are not overwhelmed or causes distress. 

We can feel resentment and anger and also be grateful and appreciate towards our parents. As both of those emotions exist within us.

When are reclaiming we can not ignore one or another. It’s is about embracing ALL aspects of our self, for good or bad. Either way, they both bring healing which creates a different perspective and way of looking not just ourself but also others around us. Which also creates a restructuring on the infrastructures of our blueprints and programming. Which changes our relationship with ourself, others and how we move in life. 

Just be patient and be kind to ourself more. It’s not a race, nobody is up for gold metal or trophies. It’s about reclaiming ALL FRAGMENTS OF OURSELF from the mind, body and soul. Each and one of us are on our own journey and path. We are not supposed to compare ourself and our healing to others. It’s not supposed to be like that, we can’t reclaim our entire Divinity if we are looking over and comparing our fragments and journey to others. That creates gaps and illusions within our own path and journey. It’s important to ground in this concept and detach from a competitive mindset especially in regards to our healing and general life. 

We are not all supposed to be the same, we all came here to have different and unique experiences. If we were all the same, it would be bland and boring place to be in. Accepting all parts of ourself means the past and present while being open to the possibility of the future. Healing is simply embracing, acknowledging, tending and then reclaiming parts of ourself to fill the void we are experiencing.

Inner Child healing is an important process of our ascension and healing journey. When we embark on this journey we need to reclaim all fragments of ourself throughout our lives, from the beginning to the present. It’s a process and it’s not an overnight accomplishment. It’s about reclaiming OUR WHOLE ENTIRE DIVINITY, which will take time. The Inner Child healing is so empowering and liberating in the sense that we realise that we didn’t have control over our reality during those early stages. Although as adults when we do this type of healing we realise and reclaim the power of control within our reality. We realise that we can choose who we want to be now and that our past doesn’t define us. Nor as does it dictate where we are heading towards. - The past was simply stepping stones to gaining a level of perspective and maturity to embark on our chosen path. I’ve stated it before, Inner Child healing is not about living in the past it’s about claiming the parts we abandoned and detached from due to our circumstances. 

The past is the only set reality as it’s already happened, whereas the present moment is in between the unknown and certainty and the future is and will always be the unknown. Our past DOES NOT AND WILL NEVER DEFINE WHO ARE, WHO CAN BE AND WHAT WE CAN ACHIEVE IN THE FUTURE. 

BE KINDER, LESS CRITICAL

Learning To Love Ourself

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Learning to love ourself is not a process done overnight nor is it done from the outside. It's a process done from within FOR US, FROM US. When we can't find a reason why we don't love ourself. Ask the hard questions and dig deep on the reason behind the lack of love we have for ourself. 

What are the narratives we have been unconsciously following throughout our life and are still living them out? - Where do these narratives come from? Was it from how our parents projected and spoke about body image? Was it from society’s beauty standards and expectations we have been conditioned in? Was it from the lack of validation and emotional nurturing we had as a child? Was it from our upbringing? 

Learning to love ourself is not pretty at first. It's uncomfortable, daunting and confronting. In the process of loving ourself, we need to have honesty, understanding, vulnerability and compassion. We have to be able to hold and give those light aspect to ourself that we haven't accepted. 

This is a learning process and a process that we can cultivate from within. It's a process that is going to take time. It's a process that we need to hold not just for ourself but for others as well. As we are just all learning to love ourself in the best way we know. 

There are aspects we can not change about ourself. Like our facial features, the country we were born in, the colour of our skin or our height. Those aspects we that we can not change are sometimes hard to accept and love. As those same aspects have been judged by others so we have learnt to also judge them for ourself. 

This is the process of learning to love ourself come Unconditional Love. The type of love that we do not have the desire to change anything because that aspect makes us who we are and they are something we can not change. 

When we begin the process of accepting and embracing the unchangeable aspects of ourself we begin to feel unconditional love. Which just means we have let go any conditioning and attachment we have tethered ourself to in our order to feel the love from ourself or others. 

If we observe many of us hold some sort of conditioning and attachment to love. It creates an imbalance to expect someone to love us more than we love ourself. Because when that expectation falls through we begin to feel resentment towards that person for not meeting our expectation. When in reality we don't even know how to love ourself. So how do we expect others to do the same? We create all these expectations and sometimes they are unspoken and never discussed in the open. When our partner does not meet through these unspoken and undiscussed expectations we create a type of conditioning. One that is invisible to our partner. - Expectations are never a good place to cultivate and build any relationship.

An example of conditioning; "If my partner doesn't unfollow this person on Instagram that mean they don't love me and they find that person attractive. They'll probably cheat on me for that person. So in order for them to love me, they have to unfollow X, Y and Z." - This is an example where we have begun catastrophizing our thoughts. Catastrophizing our thoughts creates anxiety and builds up a narrative that isn't true and is rooted in our insecurity and lack of trust.

Is it really love if it's from a place of hurt and unhealed wound? If it's from a place of insecurities and internalized shame? Is that really what love is? - Maybe it's the love we have only ever experienced. But it doesn't mean it's the only love we deserve. Just because we never experienced unconditional love from others or from ourself. Doesn't mean it doesn't exist 

Love ranges from a long spectrum that many of us have not been exposed to or familiar with. Just because we didn't grow up around others who didn't model and projected unconditional love, doesn't mean we will never receive it or cultivate. Before wanting to cultivate that type of love with someone. We need to have cultivated that from within. As we will be familiar with that type of love. 

If we have only experienced love from a place of wounds and unhealed people and ourself that is the only type of love that is familiar and comfortable for us. As that type of love is the only love we know. 

That is why self-love is important. When we begin this process not only are learning to love ourself. We are also learning our worth, value and we believe we deserve; not just romantically but all kind of relationships. Loving ourself is a must and a needed tool to move and thrive into life. We have to be able to ask ourself the hard questions and answer them with honesty and vulnerability. As those two are the key that creates a solid foundation for the long run. As well as to have an experience that is beyond this world. An experience we all came here to create and cultivate. 

Learning to love ourself is a process that isn’t done overnight. There is no due date for this process. Everyone’s on their own journey to loving ourself is not a race nor is it a competition. It is time we acknowledge and support one another on each individual’s journey to evolve.

Be Kinder, Less Critical

My Truth On My Healing Journey

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Stepping into the Unknown:

When I decided to go back to therapy and look into what was going on with my mental health. It was scary, I've battled with mental illness from a young age. I have plenty of experiences of going to therapy and treatments. It was something I was never vocal about. I internalized shame and judgement within me that projected as hatred for the world. For a long time, I've battled with Depression and Anxiety they are a hell of a companion during my adolescent years creating this facade of a happy little gal going with the flow with life. When reality I didn't see myself living through my 20's. I was impulsive, naive to the point that I didn't care about myself or my future. Transitioning to adulthood was rough and masking my mental illness through partying, substance abuse and sex (the rock and roll lifestyle) didn't make it easier. I was confused and was just a very lost soul. I was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and Complex-PTSD in the recent relapse. Which was a blessing in disguise for me as it was the beginning of the journey of self-love and living my authentic self.

I'm sharing my personal experience of my journey through the form of writing as this is one of the creative ventures I've embodied and love. This is how I can express myself in an honest and creative way. I know how difficult it is and can be when embarking in this new path. I want people to know who do embark in this journey and path that they are not alone. That those feeling of difficulty, uncomfortable, self-doubts and negative thinking doesn't make them worthless or broken. We all have gone through experiences and have many influences from our external environment that makes us question our own greatness. Having a mental illness is not something to be ashamed or hide for us to internalize it and deal with alone.

We all have a different perspective and ways of going about our own journey. We need to be more vocal about mental health journey and express ourself in a way that will encourage others to do the same with their own journey of healing. It creates a ripple effect. One person stands up for what they believe in and others follow too as they have the same idea just didn't know to put it out there.  Going through mental illness alone creates an illusions on lonesome, that no one else in the world feels the way you do when reality many of us have felt some similar ways.

I am the walking example what healing and focusing on ourself does. We radiate like we have never been before. As we see our own beauty and greatness instead of relying on others to see it for us. We embark into the self-love and standing in authenticity. Mental illness is b*tch no doubt. I am a walking example that mental illness can be concurred. It's a journey but it is a journey differently worth embarking on. 

Self-love intertwines with healing, it's a tool that is needed in the journey of life. I believe that we need to be able to learn how to provide love for ourself from ourself. It's a tool that helps us thrive in life not just in one area but in all areas. When we thrive and feel the love for ourself our self-worth and self-esteem begin to rise. It's just the process of the love we give ourself, we then begin to learn to embrace all parts of ourself creating unconditional love from within. Our standards and tolerance will change as well as how we view ourself and move through life. There is no need to feel guilty for not being able to relate to things that we use too, it is part of growth and maturing. We do need to process this guilt through grieving. We do feel that sense of loss and grief when we have outgrown certain things, people, environment etc. 

Self-love is not a 9-5 job, it is a 24/7 work we have to do for ourself. It is a work that is doable and requires our attention. Self-love is not always easy and at the beginning of this journey requires a larger effort from us. From personal experience from someone who was never been great at providing self-love to themself, this process took a lot of energy to do in the beginning. Just like any habit and re-wiring our thinking pattern it will take time and effort for it to become second nature. There are many layers to self-love and different ways of providing that for ourself. Others will have different ways of defining and part-taking in activities that embody self-love. Although it comes from the foundations of love, compassionate, nurturing, caring and providing for ourself.

Harsh Truth(s):

From my experience of learning to love self, it's a continuous learning process. There are many layers to loving ourself and sometimes the act of self-love is not always easy and glamourous. Sometimes self-love is letting certain people go. Not because they are bad people because we are not compatible with them anymore. As life goes go and we grow older there is a shift of distance that begins. It's one of the natural processes of life and relationships, we tend to grow apart from people due from maturing and re-constructing our way of living. This isn't just with romantic relationships. This goes with all types of relationships. There are times we have to let go of certain connections in order for new ones to come in. - That's why there are times self-love requires us to stand in our own power and greatness alone. 

Sometimes self-love requires us to let go of not just people, but habits and behaviours. As they are no longer serving us, they are creating more harm and anxiety than pouring into our cup of love. Letting go of habits and behaviours that have helped during the process of our journey can be difficult. Although letting go and detaching is a process we do during our healing but also in life. It is an important skill to have to be able to listen to our inner knowing when it's time to let go. - Reminder; it is not always because something is bad, it's the compatibility aspect of it. 

When we are not compatible with (example) a social group, those relationships become forced and requires so much effort to keep up with. I'm not saying that relationships are smooth sailing and rainbows and sunshine 24/7, although it is not supposed to feel forced, draining or create anxiety. That's one indication that it might be time to let go. 

We are not doing it out of spite, but out of love for ourself. 

When I began to pull back my energy to heal and look after myself. I realised how much of my energy and availability I was pouring out to others because I was constantly trying to seek validation, acceptance, love and a way of escape of my own thoughts. I didn't come to any of these realisations until poured my energy back to me. That's the real harsh truth I had to accept and come to terms with. That I was embodied in a 21 years old adult running around with my blueprints and programming from my wounded Inner Child; wanting to be seen and heard by others who didn't even listen to their voice. Once we begin to lose the crowd and stand in our own we have epiphanies that will give us the courage to stand on our own. 

Courage isn't gain without fear. There is a need for fear with courage. We transmute fear through the actions we take which then creates this new energy source of courage. 

I don't regret any of my past decisions as they've gotten me to where I am today; the person that I am from within and it wasn't formed overnight nor was it done with no effort and work. I had to make to hard and uncomfortable decisions base on the love I had and desire for myself. With those decisions, I had to stand in them and embrace the Unknown. Because for me self-love was the Unknown, believing in myself was the Unknown, voicing my beliefs and sharing my work was the Unknown. Any time we step out of our comfort zone, whether it's embarking into healing our mental health, learning to love ourself or confessing our love for someone. Those are the Unknown, without us even being aware we step into the Unknown many of times without even realisations. 

Don't lose faith in our journeys, it is a learning process and a process we will do our entire life. Which is why we have to faith in ourself. Each cycle and phrases are not going to the same what so ever. As we finish a cycle and begin to embark in a new one, we began to realise that we needed to go through certain experiences from the past cycles to have a certain tool, skill or a form of maturity to be able to embark in the new one. 

HEALING AND SPIRITUALITY: 

When we embark on this path of self-love and healing there is a need to practise patience, letting go, surrendering to the things we can not control. All of these aspects need practising. 

That's why I believe and stand by the idea that healing and spirituality go hand and hand. When we do get that phrase of 'waiting' we practice letting go and surrendering. Something that is promoted within spiritual practises. 

Our healing is something we can control. We make the decisions with the changes and how we perceive the things we can not control. Such as world events, others behaviours and other external things. With healing, because it is from within that is something we have control over. We have control over perception, behaviour, habits and opportunity we embark in, people we surround ourself, the content we are watching, listening etc. We have control over own on body, mind and soul. Once we learn to control all parts of ourself (body, mind and soul) we begin to fall into this contentment and peace. That even if there is chaos going around there is this sense of peace and contentment within. 

When we feel like we have fallen back two steps down, it is not because we are failing but simply because we are needed to gain a different perspective on those levels we have fallen down on. Creating clarity and growth which then moves us up a different level of where we have fallen off in the first place. 

This is a learning process and something we practise throughout our lifetime. That is what really life is about, which is this constant learning of oneself and the constant gain of different perspective which evolve our body, mind and soul. 

TERRACOTTA WARRIORS & CAI GUO-QIANG EXHIBITION AT THE NATIONAL GALLERY OF VICTORIA NGV

Be Kinder, Less Critical

Honest Confession of Healing

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EMOTION: GRIEF

There are different types of healing and it will look different on everyone. Not many tell us this but we grief a sh*t tone during the healing process. We are grieving parts of ourself that we use to relate to and identified as. Griefing parts of our life that has helped us distract or escape from reality. Griefing doesn't have an expiry date or a timestamp on us, letting us know when it will end. Griefing has its own process and timeline. Not everyone will grief the same, just like healing. I do believe griefing is a need during the healing process. 

Many of us have different things we have to grief for. Many that might be too painful to look into, creating a coping mechanism of escaping or repressing. We all have gone through things we don't want to ever speak about. That ignoring and denying is much easier than accepting the fact that we are wounded and hurting. Another thing not many will tell us is that healing can sometimes be harder than the experience. I think it's because when the event happened we didn't see it as a wound. We didn't anticipate the pain it would have caused or how much of an injustice it was. In our healing process, we are conscious of the wrongdoings or the wound it has created. That's why it hurts more sometimes because we can't wrap our heads around the creation of the wound in the first place. 

Sometimes grief comes and go. Sometime we won't even feel the heaviness for days sometimes even weeks or months. Although it does pop up once in a while and sometimes it stays for only a day or two. Although there are times where it stays much longer, where we want to curl up in our bed and just lay there, till the heaviness fades.

Personally for me when dealing with grief I cry it out. I don't know how else to deal with it but with tears. I believe our tears are a physical manifestation of our emotions. If we notice that we can cry at almost any emotions. I also believe that there is no wrong or right way to grief or feel our emotions. As long as we are not harming others on the way, feel as you please.  

Griefing is such a heavy process. Grief is something the majority of people don't feel comfortable speaking about. I believe that is because of how emotions are labelled as 'positive' and 'negative'. Which is absolute rubbish, as no emotions are ever negative or positive. I believe it's the intensity of the emotions that classible them as positive and negative. We also have been conditioned and programmed into thinking that our emotions are our enemy and feeling certain emotions makes us weak. When reality emotion is part of the human experience.  Emotions are also an indication that we are a living being. 

Emotions are not something to be feared or run away from, they are quite the opposite. They are something to embrace, whether it's a ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ emotion. They are just an alarm that is ringing that indicates there is a need we need to attend too. It could be a need to go to heal something within, or a need to take a break from our environment, work, relationships etc. It is up to each individual to determine what their own emotions are letting them know. 

The teaching of repressing certain emotions, mainly negative ones is generally passed down through parental teachings. A type of tool that has been used throughout the generations on how we should handle and express our emotions. Which creates this intergenerational trauma that has been unconsciously passed down. There are plenty of reasons why this type of teaching was passed down, and it would lead back to survival reason. A majority of people have experienced events that have put them into survival mode and not having the right tools to deal with those events creates a coping mechanism of repressing emotions. 

This was a way their body and mind keep them safe during those traumatic events. That is what initially what survival mode is. Our body goes into flight or fight response to keep us alive and safe. When we are in flight or flight response for a long period of time our way of responding and relating to dangerous events can be altered. When we are overly anxious or overthinking of the next danger ahead. Those anxieties and paranoia are actually a trauma response. When finding where those anxieties and paranoia stems from, we find the root of it all which was a traumatic event that has happened in the past, which created this thinking patterning and narrative of 'everything going wrong'. We anticipate things to go wrong or something to come up because we have conditioned into that way of thinking. 

THINKING PATTERN

Our thinking pattern is so important that it doesn't phase us. It's just an automatic thing we do and the crazy part is that we don't realise that we are in autopilot. Where we are following a bunch of conditioning, blueprints, programming and beliefs that we have adapted and taken as part of ourself. We don't see this as an 'abnormal' thing, to be thinking negatively or in the state of constant self-doubt, because we are so used to it and conditioned into thinking we are our thoughts. When in reality we are more than our thoughts. Wild thing is that we can alter our thinking. We are able to reconstruct our patterning. We can change all those, although with this desire to change comes with work and effort. Work and effort that is needed to be put in an investment in our future self, which we will be thankful for when the future becomes the present moment. In the present moment of changing and reconstructing our brain patterning, it is uncomfortable and daunting, as it is the Unknown. If we have lived our lives through negative thinking and the constant state of self-doubt, having an optimistic outlook on life and ourself is the Unknown.

I was thrown into this whole ascension journey, unconsciously. I felt a pain that I couldn't understand why I was feeling it. I was very lost and didn't know myself outside my trauma. Which initially put me on the path of healing. I wanted to know who I was outside my pain, trauma, and my victimhood. I was done looking at myself as a victim or feeling like I was powerless. I wanted to know why I would still feel a certain way about an event that occurred so long ago. 

I was seeking truth from within.

Coming to an understanding of what trauma is and the effect it has on our body system was groundbreaking. When I began educating myself on what trauma is and the short and long term effects it has, not only in regards to our body system but how it affects our livelihood. It removed this sense of brokenness within me. It removed the concept that I needed 'fixing' and that there was something 'wrong' with me. When reality all I needed and required was healing.  

THERAPY/COUNSELLING

Seeking professional help in regards to therapies and counselling is not something to be ashamed or shame others for. The desire to healing is an empowering tool and a brave act to go within. To know and see ALL parts of ourself. Having the desire to seek the truth from within takes and gives you the power of bravery, courage, straight, resilient and love. Healing is an act of self-love. Having the desire to step out of our own programming and conditioning. The desire to want to know who we are outside of our pain, wounds and trauma is empowering. Our present moment self might be scared and unsure if this is a path we want to embark in. Although our future self (Higher Self) is looking at us and encouraging us to embark it, because deep down it's the way of experiencing the unconditional love, not just from others around us but from ourself. As within, so without.

The stigma and negative quantitation attach to counselling are around, not just within our society but our family and friends dynamics. Nobody can force others to seek professional help, that is something no one has control over. It's the knowledge that each of our healing processes is different and when we do embark into this path; we will be parting ways with people and have to make the conscious choice of detaching and letting go of that connection, because of compatibility reasons. Those people who don't want to embark in this path just yet. As nobody is ahead and behind with healing and we all have our own timeline. 

Being compassion to those who we have parted way with and to the parts of ourself that we're able to relate to them. By accepting ALL parts of ourself, the decisions that have led as to where we are now. We have to hold ourself accountable, not blaming ourself or others. We are taking accountability that the actions we have taken were from a place of hurt and pain. That is/was the core root of our actions and behaviours. So please give ourself compassion and understanding, that concept of 'hurt people, hurt people'. Even if at the time we thought that was the right way of handling a certain situation. We know better know in our present time. So let our experiences and past be teaching that we can acquire lessons from. Lessons that are going to help us evolve, grow and heal to the person we are meant and destined to be.

Don't EVER give up on yourself, take a rest BUT NEVER GIVE UP

Be Kinder, Less Critical

Shadow Healing

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We all have battled our OWN demons. Understanding many of us carry demons with us that are actually our Shadow. I believe transmuting and healing and understanding our demons are just wounds that need healing.

Shadow healing is a part of the process when we are going within the depth of ourselves. There is no hiding from it although we can deny these aspects of ourselves (which then puts us on a cycle of having these aspects reflect back to us). As we go deeper within ourselves we realise that we have harmed others just like how we harm ourselves. Whether it was unconsciously or consciously, it doesn't change the fact it has harmful.

WHAT DOES THE TERM 'SHADOW SELF' MEAN: 

The term shadow self is made of certain personality traits that we've repressed and rejected. They are not always negative some of these personality traits are positive although, due to society, friends or family dynamics we had to push and shame them away to our subconscious psyche. Shadow self can come through as projections or reactions when we are triggered. Carl Jung (a psychoanalyst) believed that the Shadow is in our subconscious. A part of our mind we have very little access to. - This goes in hand in hand with having to find the spark within first before beginning Shadow healing. We have to get to the surface level part of our mind before getting into our Shadow, as it's in our subconscious.

When people deny this part themselves, they are denying themselves as a whole. When we are not accepting of our Shadow, the good and bad; the harmful behaviours, actions we have done to others, those go hiding in our subconscious. Which then leads to blindly projecting, following and reacting to those aspects of ourselves. Being self-aware come with taking accountability. The good and the bad. We can't expect to just receive the good about someone or ourselves. Each and one of us came with our own Shadow. This comes with many layers. Someone who doesn't see their own Shadow or ignored the fact they have a Shadow is someone who is in denial. 

During this process, we begin to take accountability for our past actions, behaviours and habits. Many of us blame the past for our current situation. Not only are we focusing and living in the past (where it is a reality that can not be changed, it doesn't matter how hard you think about it, it's not changeable) we are also shifting the blame onto our past, we are not just blaming the experience and situations we have been in, we are also blaming those version of ourselves and others. We lose our power, instead, we are projecting it to our past and onto others, where it doesn't belong. Taking accountability isn't easy. It's rough, uncomfortable and unpleasant, coming to terms that nobody is to blame for our current situation but ourselves and our own decisions.

PURPOSE OF SHADOW HEALING:

The purpose of Shadow healing brings the found light within to our Shadow. Embracing them and showing compassion to the parts of ourselves that we have shamed, repressed and hated. That's how those aspects of ourselves have turned into shadows, from shame, hate and judgment. That's why giving ourselves compassion, kindness and understanding when going within is VERY important and those are the light we shine to our Shadow. 

Give it ourselves. We deserve it. 

Journalling is a great way to do Shadow healing. The point of journaling isn't to be the next Shakespeare. It's to put your thoughts somewhere we can visibly see and re-read; not all our thoughts and feeling are facts. Journaling helps us pull ourselves when we began to get lost in the past when we are reflecting. It is also a great way to keep 'a log' of the process of our healing. When we do get days where we feel like we are back in square one, we can look back in our journal with the process we have made. 

This is where we need compassion, kindness and understanding to come in. We have to understand that we are all following blueprints and programs that we are not even aware of. We are wearing lenses that are tainted from our past wounds and hurt. That's why we need to give our self the compassion and understanding we project onto others. We need to give those aspects to ourselves first to fully thrive in life.  

Bringing our light down to the depths of ourselves is important because we can easily get lost in the depths of ourselves that we sometimes pour more shame and hatred. When that is not what is needed. Our light is the tool that we use to accept and understand those aspects of ourselves. That part of ourselves is beginning to be seen and accepted, which is what the Shadow needs and wants.

EMBRACE AND INTEGRATE:

Part of Shadow healing is integrating our Shadow with ourselves as one. Meaning accepting those parts of us and embracing them. When we have integrated our Shadow those aspects of ourselves will be reflected back to us and then begin to identify them. Our Shadow Self mostly operated and dominates during the cycle when we are not very self-aware with the depths of ourselves or the term 'awake'. 

When integrating our Shadow we gain a new source of energy and power from within. Something that we can use to cultivate to bring forth manifestations and creating our heaven on Earth. We are the source of this new energy and we just embraced, integrated and transmuted the Shadow Self energy into a more helpful source of energy for us. 

We can transmute this energy through art, psychical activity, meditating, journaling, etc. 

ANY energy can be transmuted.

Healing and spirituality come hand in hand. Because each and one of us have been through something painful that we still carry till this day, even if we are not aware of it. It doesn’t matter how much love and light we preach, without dealing and acknowledging our Shadow Self it doesn’t do any good. We have chaos and destruction around us, why wouldn’t be within us? Chaos and destruction within are self-sabotage, negative self-talk, self-doubt, fear. These are what the Devil energy is.

I'd like to emphasise that life IS NOT black and white. It comes with many shades of greys and colours, it's up to each individual to heal and then integrate the knowledge we have acquired during our OWN process. Healing isn't a competition there is no finish line where we will be rank and receive gold medals. That's not how healing works. It's the concept of changing the reconstructing our blueprints, program and self to become a better individual. An individual who is not pouring their wounds and hurt onto others. An individual who is seeing the present moment for what it is and not through the lenses of their past and suffering. 

An individual who is willing to thrive in life no matter what cards they were dealt with, as those DO NOT DEFINE US AND OUR FUTURE. Having compassion and kindness, to ALL the versions of ourselves. We are not born evil or bad. Nobody is, it's the way some have been programmed and have been blindly following it. 

Be Kinder, Less Critical

Breaking the Cycle

***Trigger warnings: Content speaks of topics such as emotional abuse and violence.

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Each and every one of us carries blueprints and programming that we have created and been conditioned in. Some blueprints and programming we might not realise we are still following. We have phrases or cycles in our life that each brings different learning experience, either about others or ourselves. We come into this lifetime as babies, to children, to a teenager and become adults and age older. In our adult years, we create new cycles or phrases depending on how we have processed and dealt with our younger years.

Our younger years have impacted us more than we are willing to admit. Whether the evil touched us at a young age, abandoned, emotionally and mentally neglected or we didn't have our practical needs met. Whatever our ingredients to our dysfunction, it deserves acknowledgement. We have parts of those younger phases that will feel resentment, angry and hurt because certain needs were not met. For whatever reason, we have to remind ourselves that life isn't black and white. The things we have gone through our parents most likely gone through. It's the unconscious programming that has been passed down throughout the family generations.

Intergeneration trauma is passed through parental teaching. For example, our parents not knowing how to deal with their emotions properly passing down this lack of tool or suppression of heavier emotions or sweeping hard conversations under the rug.

Untreated PTSD that many of our grandparents and great grandparents experience due to the lack of awareness of mental health back in the days. They endured a time of war, sexism and many other social issues. Parental teaching has been passed down from generations after generations that the past bloodline hasn't seen the toxicity and dysfunction of this type of teaching. Leading our generation into this stagnant cycle of dysfunction. Being aware that we are on a cycle that not just the younger generations are on. But our entire bloodline has been on. We have to take into account the work and effort that our parents have put in to break certain cycles, behaviours, patterning or habits for us to be this aware of them. They contributed to our awareness, whether we acknowledge it or not. This cycle of dysfunction isn't going to disappear just because it's ignored. - Ignoring is an energy signature. It's the same as acknowledging, except we are not open to letting it go.

Not all hurt leave bruises:||

Violence isn't just putting your hands on somebody. It's also the use of intimidations, slamming and throwing item(s). Creating fear and discomfort. They don't have to hit you or leave marks on your body for them to be classified as abusive, violent or toxic.

Blaming violent actions towards our anger isn't taking accountability. It's shifting the blame for our action to our emotion. If we aren't aware or don't understand our emotions. It is an indication we need to sit with them and acknowledge them because if we don't, we will lash out and bleed on others who didn't create the root of our anger. Every single person in this world gets angry. It a normal emotion that everyone feels. What we do with our anger is the issue. If we are lashing out and acting in a harmful way then that the issue. The action we do when we feel angry is the issue. There is never an excuse for harmful and abusive behaviours.

SIGNS/EFFECTS:||

These are some of the signs of emotional abuse in a romantic relationship: // Treating suicide, preventing them from seeing friends or family, making them feel guilty for refusing sex, undermining their self worth and self-esteem by constantly comparing them to others or putting all the blame on a partner for the all the relationship problems.

Emotional and mental manipulation/abuse that occurs from a parent(s) and children dynamic: // Creating low self-esteem, an increase of negative self-talk, self-doubts, higher risk of mental illness such as depression or anxiety, constantly feeling of guilt, not be able to process emotions properly or in a healthy way uses substance or risk behaviour to realise emotions.

Forgiveness, Empathy, Compassion & Kindness (FECK):||

I'm not a parent myself, although putting myself in a parent's shoes; coming terms to with the effects that a parent might have caused to these harm to their own can bring up shame, guilt and unhealed wounds they didn't know they had or ignored.

Either way, it is hard coming to terms to this because as a parent, they are forced to take accountability and look at their past traumas on why they behaved this way. Our parents are human too. They too have gone through experiences they haven't spoken about to their children. There are things we don't know about our parents. As young children, we have this concept that we know our parents like the back of our hands and they can do no wrong. Although growing up, we realize that they try to shield us from the evil and danger of the world from what they have experienced. They were doing their best with the information they knew and know now. Each of their experience has shaped them into who they are now.

So if we sit and think for a second of how and has happened for our parents or others to turn angry and bitter. The experiences and situations they had gone through make them end up so angry and bitter. Because I believe that no one ends up angry and bitter without pain and suffering. All behind anger and resentment is a pain and a need that wasn't met when we were younger or acknowledged. That our parents and others still carry with them and that has projected through parental teachings and how they interact with their children and other loved ones. Because everyone has an inner child that needs healing and a voice.

BluePrints:||

We have to feel, acknowledge our own emotions that came with our childhood and still lingering around us now. We transmute the blame into understanding that our parents did the best they could and also balance the acknowledgement that even though they were unconscious it still hurts and we are valid to feel hurt for not having our needs met. It's learning to balance both. We have to feel what we have been repressing to order to let it go. There is no other way to do it. We can use short term fixes although it's not going heed the result for the long run.

I know it's hard and confronting. Each phrase and cycle we complete has this ease and wisdom that when going through the hard times or diving deep within we come out brighter and lighter. When we are in the depth of our shadow self remember the work is showing light to those parts of ourselves. Those parts of ourselves that have taken actions that we regret and understand that came from a place of hurt. Showing compassion and forgiveness is how we bring those to light.

Nothing in life is ever black and white. There are shades of grey and other colours too making each experience unique or similar but never the same. There are areas that we are not always right in and others we are. There are also areas that either of the parties is wrong nor right because each one has had a different experience, perspective, lesson or truth in that area. It's giving each other basic human decency of respect and understanding that each individual has hurt and wound that needed healing.

The blueprints we carry that helps us identify Love has been skewered because of our upbringing. Making us believe the love we receive is simply good enough because it is what's familiar. When in reality every one of us deserves a Love that doesn't destroy our self-esteem or make us question our worth.- Love isn't supposed to do that. If it does, it's not Love but an attachment that has masked its self as Love.

With our Free Will, we make the decision of whether we attach ourselves to Love we have always known or take a leap of faith that there is unconditional Love out there?

Be Kinder, Less Critical.

Tulip Festival (2014)

Unconditional Love

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Self Love:

Our relationship with ourselves is the key to forming healthy external relationships. The way we view ourselves is critical. It shapes how we view everything and everyone around us. If we see ourselves as an unworthy person, will be carrying a belief that we are not good enough making us tolerant certain things, people or environment that we shouldn't. We'll say yes to things that disobey our true selves. Although forming a loving and healthy relationship with ourselves, isn't a walk in the park. It is like learning a whole different language. Loving ourselves in the world where we were taught to compare ourselves and put others needs before ours. For some loving ourselves is exactly like learning a whole new form of language. The thought of loving ourselves is so foreign that we hesitate to do so. 

It is a struggle and uncomfortable to see and accept ourselves for just the way we are, the good and the bad. Having to remove the lenses of self-hatred and chuck on the lenses of the Unknown. Something that is unfamiliar and something we can not fully comprehend. For many of us loving ourselves is The Unknown. It is because we tend to hold on to a narrative of self-limiting beliefs that no longer serves us or we have adapted through our upbringing. Although having to let that go would mean having to maneuver certain aspect of ourselves or see a part of ourselves that is still hurting and the thought of that is unbearable. 

Self-love requires being uncomfortable. We are going to places we haven't visited before, places we might have hated and ignored within ourselves. It is okay to feel shaky up and anxious. BUT have faith that we will find the Love within ourselves. Having faith in ourselves is a form of self-love. We have to trust and believe that we deserve unconditional love and that is something we can give ourselves. 

Learning to love and be our own biggest support is a must. Investing in ourselves is something we should ever feel guilty about. It's not a selfish act to have a desire to learn to love ourselves. Learning is a constant habit we are doing in our life. It is pretty much what life is about. Might as well use this life to learn to love ourselves and seek love from within. 

 

Changing our patterning thoughts:

We have to let go of certain habits, traits, behavioural patterning to experience unconditional love for ourselves. Negative self-talk can be hard to stop. Remembering that negative self-talk is just thoughts. Our thoughts are NOT ALWAYS facts. When reconstructing and changing our way of thinking it is important to PAUSE and OBSERVE the thought. Being able to distinguish and label either the thought being a fact or an assumption. Like any new habit, it is unfamiliar to us and it'll take more energy getting used too. - Pausing and observing how we talk to ourselves is important. The inner dialogue we have with ourselves has a huge impact on my mental and emotional health. In the mids of this comes with practising being open, compassionate and forgiving to ourselves because we do fall back to old habits. It is about being able to bounce back up and as we are learning. 

 Insecurity: 

Insecurity is something we all go through and have. Each and one us have certain things we would like on us or things we don't like about ourselves. Physical appearances such as our nose, colour of our skin and our natural hair are things we are not able to change. We can influence changes through cosmetic surgeries or adding chemicals to our skin etc. Insecurity is something nobody can take away from us. It doesn't disappear even if someone loves you harder. Dealing with insecurity is an inside some. When looking within and learning to love ourselves we debunk those beliefs on why we aren't good enough. 

When we beauty on others is a reflection of the beauty with us. It is being able to recognise and find it within us. No human on this Earth is perfect, they might be glamorous but never perfect. Having flaws come with being human. 

It doesn’t matter what ingredients we have for our insecurity if self-sabotage is the place you end up.  Self-sabotage stems from those self-limiting beliefs we have told ourselves and have turned into blueprints when handling relationships, new opportunities and ourselves. When going within we find the roots of our behaviours. 

Cliche as it might sound but SELF-LOVE is the answer to letting go of our outdated self-beliefs. With self-love comes with giving ourself the compassion and nurturing we need when we come to harsh truths and realities. 

Fear and Anxiety: 

One of the symptoms of anxiety is when someone begins to start avoiding things like seeing friends, turning up to appointments or simple as self-care. Anxiety makes you feel like you are going to miss out but you also dread the feeling of failure. So we begin to avoid, creating more anxiety and putting as in a cycle. This sense of feeling like a failure is an illusion. How we define the word 'failure' is important. The mindset we have for our own definition is important to reconstruct us we change and evolve. Failures are not necessarily bad or negative. It is an opportunity to learn or a redirect to something that is better suited for us. 

Failure isn’t something to fear. Sometimes during the moment of the 'failure', we don’t see the blessing within during this period of time as our emotions could be clouding the blessing. And why certain things worked out the way they did. It might be hard to see the bigger picture as there so much movement in the water. Wait, till everything and everyone has calm. Including ourselves. It is okay not to have all the answers right now. Not many of us do. (I believe) fear is something we all need. The issue with fear is letting it overcome us when we let fear run our lives. Where we make our actions based on fear. Being courageous comes with fear. Facing our fear is courageous, I believe that's how fear is transmuted into courage. The action we took to overcome our fear is the 'transmutation'. 

Unconditional Love: 

Many of us have this unconscious belief that if we 'fix' or help heal others we will be healed. We extend that healer side of us to others is a sign of co-dependency. 

 In the context of relationships having unconditional love for someone comes with no desire to change them or even the concept being together. When unconditionally love someone we have to sometimes let that person go, not because there is no love. But simply because of the compatibility, there are certain periods of time in our lives that we might be compatible with someone although as we grow that compatibility changes. With our free will we decide that. 

When we are going within we have realizations that the love we have accepted or given were not based on unconditional love but attachment. Each and one of us have developed an Attachment Style that impacts our way of forming and engaging with others. 

( A link to find YOUR Attachment Style: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/attachment-styles/#attachment-style-quiz )

Having unconditional love for someone comes with not wanting to mould them or change them into our 'perfect' ideal partner. There are no such things as perfect. That's what makes loving someone a courageous act. Even when have the fears and anxieties of the 'what ifs', we are still able to go give that love to someone else even if there is a possibility of it being rejected or have someone break our hearts. Because at the end of the day we will always have the love within us that unconditional love we have for ourself; self-love. 

 I believe many of us on Earth are learning to love ourselves. Being able to unlock that unconditional love within us is the key to creating our Heaven on Earth. 

 Be Kinder, Less Critical